Tagged: “forgiveness”
When on my forgiveness journey, I can get tired and want to stop. At such times, I can get discouraged and don’t necessarily like myself because I am not persevering. Not crossing the finish line of forgiveness. Can you help me gain some perspective on this?
You have an assumption which I would like to gently challenge. Just because you have changed your mind and have ceased for now to forgive does not mean that you are not engaged in the forgiveness process. Sometimes that process leads us to taking much-needed breaks.
Forgiveness is hard work and so when you need a break, please do so without guilt.
Think of it this way. Suppose you are on a cross-country bike ride, which will take you many days to complete. After the first day, when you put your bicycle away and go to bed for the night, have you ceased to be on the journey? The answer, of course, is no, you have not ceased. You simply are on a particular phase of the journey that requires rest.
Think of forgiveness this way, too. It is not a sprint to the finish line. Instead, forgiveness is a process, a journey that takes time, and during that time, we rest. It is your choice. Resist the pressure to be constantly vigilant in your forgiving. Giving yourself permission to back off, rest, and then begin again will likely bring greater joy on the journey for you.
I left a relationship in which I experienced continued abuse. Now that I am out of this challenging relationship, guess who I am blaming for the breakup? Right…..me! Help!
I recommend that you make this important distinction: Did you fail in the relationship or did the one who abused you cause that failure? For instance, if the other stopped the abuse and you were able to trust, would you have left the relationship? I think the answer is no, you would not have left the relationship. My point is this: You tried, but the other did not make it possible for you to continue with the relationship. You did not fail, and I urge you to say this to yourself so that you can stand in the truth that you did what you could. You can view an essay I recently published on the Psychology Today website on this topic: How to Stop Blaming Yourself When Your Partner Is Abusive.
I have a deep interest in helping those with addictions, particularly to drugs. Do you have knowledge of any forgiveness research that addresses this issue?
Yes, and we have a randomized experimental and control study to show this. We chose a challenging group, those who were court-ordered to residential drug rehabilitation. We did two sessions a week with the book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, for 6 weeks. After the forgiveness sessions, the participants went from clinically depressed to non-depressed, and their cravings for drugs diminished statistically significantly relative to the control group. In contrast, those in the drug-treatment program as usual (the control group) went down in depression, but they remained clinically depressed. Here is the reference to that research:
Lin, W.F., Mack, D., Enright, R.D., Krahn, D., & Baskin, T. (2004). Effects of forgiveness therapy on anger, mood, and vulnerability to substance use among inpatient substance-dependent clients. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 72(6), 1114-1121.
How can I help others learn to suffer well when they are treated badly? I am concerned because, if I open up a heart-wound in a friend by talking about suffering well through forgiveness, how can I help close the wound in the heart so that he does not emotionally bleed to the point of an emergency?
I recommend the following six approaches: 1) Be sure you are very clear about what forgiveness is and is not. Too often, people reject forgiveness because they misunderstand it, equating it with “just letting it go” or “just moving on.” Be sure the person sees that forgiveness is a moral virtue in which he willingly tries to be merciful to the other without excusing or abandoning justice; 2) Give him time to reflect on what forgiveness is and is not, and to make an informed, free-will decision to move forward with forgiveness; 3) If he decides to try forgiveness, start with a person who was only a little unjust, toward whom your friend has some annoyance, but not frothing hatred; 4) # 3 could take some time if your friend is unfamiliar with the forgiveness process; 5) After #4 is completed, ask if he wants to continue. If so, then have him choose another less serious case of injustice and forgive that person; 6) Over time, as he becomes more proficient at forgiving, he should be able to forgive the person who has deeply wounded his heart because he knows the forgiveness pathway and has practiced it.
In chapter 10 of your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, you say this: “Knowing how to forgive is also preparation for the injuries and pain that will come in the future.” That seems kind of pessimistic. Should I be living my life, always looking over my shoulder, trying to find the next person who will treat me cruelly?
The point of the sentence is this: We are in a fallen world in which people are not always at their best. Because of this, our being treated unjustly by others is to be expected, and so we should be prepared for that. We have to be temperate (balanced, not extreme) on this so that, as you say, we are not constantly looking over our shoulders for the next injustice. Yet, we do not want to be intemperate in the other direction either. In other words, we do not want to deny the realities of this world, so we need to be prepared for injustices that likely will come. If we do not learn to forgive, we may be defenseless when faced with deep resentment. How do we get rid of it? If we have no clue, this gives others who treat us badly too much power over our wounded hearts. If, instead, we realistically and temperately learn to forgive, then we are ready to do the work of reducing that resentment when the injustices against us come and are serious.
