Tagged: “Forgiving”
Does forgiving another also include the belief that this person can change for the better?
No, to forgive another person does not mean that you, as the forgiver, believe that this other person can or will change. To forgive is to offer compassion and the acknowledgement of the person’s humanity, regardless of the outcome of this belief. This is one important reason why we have to distinguish forgiving and reconciling. You can offer this compassion and recognition of the other’s humanity without reconciling if the other remains a danger to you.
Forgiveness seems to be a problem for people who have been traumatized. I say this because upon forgiving, the person may mistakenly assume that the relationship needs to be restored. Do you agree?
I do not agree primarily because to forgive is very different from reconciling with an abusive person. Reconciliation is not a moral virtue. Instead, it is a negotiation strategy of two or more people coming together again in mutual trust. You can forgive (being good, even from a distance, to those who are not good to you) and still not reconcile. As you say, when a person “mistakenly assumes” that the relationship needs to be restored, this is an error that needs to be corrected for the protection of the abused person.
I need to forgive four different people. Where do I start??
I recommend that you ask yourself what is your current level of anger—on a 1 to 10 scale—for each person. Order the people from the least anger you have to the greatest anger you have. Start with the one person with whom you have the least anger. This will allow you to get a sense of the forgiveness process and to practice that process before you get to the person who hurt you the most.
My anger is not completely gone. Does this mean I have not forgiven the person?
Forgiveness does not proceed perfectly and often the outcome is not perfect. If you have done the work of forgiving and if your anger no longer controls you, then I would say that you have forgiven even if you have some anger left over.
Is it harder to forgive someone who is frequently angry versus someone else who is not this way?
I do think it may be more difficult to forgive someone who is “frequently angry” and expresses that anger consistently to you. You may have to forgive on a daily basis if you are in regular contact with a person who is continuously angry. After you have forgiven to a deep enough level so that you can approach, in a civil way, this person, then it may be time to gently ask for justice. Part of justice is to ask this person, if you feel safe with this, to begin working on the anger so that you are not hurt by it.
