Tagged: “Forgiving”

I was hurt by a friend several years ago.  When I think about forgiving, I know we will never reconcile and so I get lazy about forgiving.  What are your thoughts about this?

If you still are emotionally unsettled because of what happened between you, then you can forgive and it likely will be in your best interest to do so.  Reducing inner discontent is one good reason to offer forgiveness to this person.

If a person’s actions are hurtful but there was no intention to hurt you, is this forgivable? In other words, does a person have to intend to hurt me to qualify for my forgiving?

There are examples of people not intending to hurt you that still are unfair.  Because the actions are unfair, you can forgive, if you so choose.  Here is an example:  Suppose a person is texting on a cell phone while driving a car.  The person goes through a red light, with no intention to do so, and hits your car and your leg now is broken.  Even though this person did not mean to hurt you, the action was such that the person should have been paying more attention.  Thus, this is an injustice, even without an intention to act unjustly.  As an injustice, you can go ahead and forgive.

I am trying to find your journal article in which you worked on forgiveness therapy with men in a correctional institution.  I cannot find that article.  Would you please provide that reference?

Yes, here is that reference:

Yu, L., Gambaro, M., Song, J., Teslik, M., Song, M., Komoski, M.C., Wollner, B., & Enright, R.D. (2021). Forgiveness therapy in a maximum-security correctional institution: A randomized clinical trial. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy. https://doi.org/10.1002/cpp.2583

Is there more than one definition of forgiveness?

There are many people who have different definitions of forgiveness, but in the vast majority of cases, people assert their definitions without defending them or explaining how they arrived at that definition.  We at the International Forgiveness Institute rely on the teaching of the ancient Greek philosopher, Aristotle, because he has, in our view, the most comprehensive ideas of what constitutes any moral virtue.  He gives complete descriptions of the moral virtues, in other words, without reducing the meaning of the virtues.  With that in mind, we define forgiving this way: When treated unfairly by others, a person forgives by willingly working on reducing negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and striving to offer more positive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward them.  At the same time, the forgiver does not excuse the unjust behavior, automatically reconcile, or abandon the quest for justice.

The other’s behavior repulses me. Does this mean I have not forgiven?

You can be repulsed by the other’s behavior when you forgive, but a central point of forgiving is to separate the person and the behavior.  The challenge is to see the person as possessing inherent worth even if you are repulsed by the behavior.