Tagged: “Helpful Forgiveness Hints”
There is a difference between what forgiveness is (it is being good to those who are not good to you) and your motivation to forgive. There is nothing wrong with being good to another person so that you can emotionally heal. Here is a link to one of my essays at the Psychology Today website that gives you more information on this: 9 Purposes for Your Life When You Forgive.
I was hurt in a 5-year relationship and now I am hesitant to get into any other relationship. Does this lack of courage on my part suggest that I have not forgiven the one who hurt me?
The issue here seems to be one of a lack of trust. You may or may not have forgiven the one with whom you were in a relationship for the 5 years. Even if you have completely forgiven, you still may lack trust and this is not a sign of unforgiveness. It is a sign that you know hurt is possible when you commit to others. Forgiveness can help with taking the risk and at the same time your using common sense in the new relationship, along with sincere acts of trustworthiness by the other, should help to slowly create a trust with the new person.
Learn more at Forgiveness for Couples.
Think about one time in your childhood when you had what seemed to be a serious disagreement with a friend. At the time, did it seem like this breach would last forever? Did it? How long did it take to either reconcile or to find a new friend? Time has a way of changing our circumstances. This is not to advocate a kind of passive approach to life here—such as, “Oh, I’ll just wait it out and not bother to exert any effort.” That is not the point. The point is to take a long perspective so that you can see beyond the next hill to a place that is more settled and the pain is not so great. You already saw in your childhood that conflicts end. And the consequences of those conflicts (feeling sad or angry) also end. Why should that same process of change not also apply now? Try to see your circumstance, as realistically as you can, one month from now. Try to see your circumstance six months from now. Try to see yourself two years from now. Will you be the same person? Will you respond to injustices in the exact same way as you did three months ago? Probably not. You will likely be able to meet challenges with greater strength and wisdom as you continue on the forgiveness journey.
Enright, Robert. 8 Keys to Forgiveness (8 Keys to Mental Health) . W. W. Norton & Company. Kindle Edition.
Starting forgiveness is not so bad, but continuing with it is rough. I kind of want to move on to other things in my life. So, how do I persevere to the end and complete forgiveness without giving up?
In the book, The Forgiving Life, I talk about the good will, the free will, and the strong will. The good will allows you to see those who hurt you in all of their woundedness and to respond to them with kindness. The free will allows you to say “yes” to the forgiveness process itself. The strong will allows you to keep going even though it is difficult.
Try to be aware of the strong will. Cultivate it in other areas even apart from forgiveness. For example, stay with the challenge of an exercise program; finish the book you started; complete a home-project that you started a while back. These efforts can strengthen the strong will which can advance you toward the finish line of forgiveness. Please keep in mind that even when you reach that finish line of forgiveness, anger can resurface later. Apply the good will, the free will, and the strong will again as you revisit the forgiveness process.
For additional information, see On the Importance of Perseverance when Forgiving.
I am in the process of forgiving someone, but occasionally I have fantasies of revenge. These are bothering me. What advice can you give me?
The late Lewis Smedes in his book, Forgive and Forget, reminds us that forgiveness is an imperfect process for imperfect people. We do not necessarily reach perfection in forgiving right away, but instead this takes time. Try to be gentle with yourself when you have these fantasies. Try to remind yourself that you have made a commitment to “do no harm” to the one whom you are forgiving. This reminder will give you confidence that you will not act on the fantasy.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.