Tagged: “hurtful event”
I have a question about what I am calling “angry crying,” or crying every time I am mad at someone. Is “angry crying” something good or to be avoided?
“Angry crying” can be a catharsis and this release of the negative feelings is good, at least to a point. A key issue to consider is the intensity, duration (at any given time), and how long over time you cry. In other words, when you look at your pattern, is it very intense and long lasting? If so, then the cathartic benefits are not necessarily leading to a cure of the anger. Forgiveness has as one of its goals the cure of deep resentment so that it goes away or is reduced to very manageable levels. So, “angry crying” is not necessarily good or bad in and of itself. If it is intense and the release is only temporary, then you need more, such as forgiving those who are making you cry.
You are invited to participate in a voluntary, confidential, first-of-its-kind research study about your driving behaviors and attitudes toward those who have deeply hurt you in the past and your current emotional state. Participation simply involves the completion of a number of simple-to-answer survey questionnaires.
“Those who participate in this study will be part of a select group whose survey answers will help us construct study data and develop interventions,” according to Jacqueline Song, Principal Researcher for the International Forgiveness Institute (IFI). “This project is likely to have life-saving implications that will stretch around the world but we need help to accomplish that.”
You are eligible to participate in the study if you can answer “Yes” to these five questions:
- Are you age 21 or older?
- Are you a resident of either the United States or the metro Manila area of the Philippines?
- Do you have a valid driver’s license?
- Can you read and understand English?
- Do you have Internet access in order to complete the online surveys?
If you answered “Yes” to those questions, you can be one of our select participants and you could win a cash prize or a gift card.
Six Reasons Why You Should Participate in This Research Project
- US participants who complete the survey will be entered in a random drawing to win one of ten Amazon Gift Cards ($20 value each); Filipinos who complete the survey will be entered to win one of 20 cash prizes of 500 Philippine pesos.
- You will have an opportunity to participate, at no cost and only if you choose to, in the interventions that are developed as a result of the research data acquired.
- You will receive our immense appreciation for helping us help others.
- You will acquire the self-satisfaction of demonstrating your compassion and willingness to help others around the world.
- You will be a participant in a life-changing project designed to improve the human condition.
- You will have an opportunity to spend some valuable time reflecting on your thoughts and feelings about yourself and others.
Final notes from the Principal Researcher:
- One of the survey questions asks you to share a personal experience of a deeply unjust event or pattern of unfavorable events that happened to you in the past;
- We expect that most participants will be able to complete the online survey in 60-90 minutes;
- To avoid distractions, we discourage use of a mobile phone to answer the online survey questions; and,
- Please share this invitation with others who meet the criteria listed above.
We have to make a distinction between healthy anger and unhealthy anger. Healthy anger occurs as a short-term reaction to others’ unfairness. The anger emerges because the one being treated unfairly knows that all people are worthy of respect, even oneself. Unhealthy anger occurs when the initial reaction of healthy anger does not end, but intensifies and remains in the person’s heart for months or even many years. At that point, the anger can have quite negative effects on one’s energy, ability to concentrate, and on one’s overall well-being. Healthy anger is normal. Unhealthy anger needs attention and amelioration.
In the past, I used to engage in what the expression is called “killing them with kindness.” It actually has been my mode of revenge, as I harbored deep anger while faking kindness. Is it possible to transition from fake kindness to the real thing?
Yes, it definitely is possible to change from a fake kindness to genuine kindness. We have thinking exercises in which we ask the one who is forgiving to see the struggles in the one who acted unfairly. Oftentimes, a person who is cruel to others has a history of being abused. Such an insight within the one who forgives (toward the one who was unfair) is not fostered to excuse the unjust behavior, but instead to see a genuine person, a hurting person, who is engaging in the injustice. As you begin to see a genuine person, one who has wounds and may be confused and frustrated, then a genuine sense of kindness toward that person can emerge. It takes time and so please be gently with yourself as you examine the true personhood of the other.
What do you suggest I do when trying to help a friend start the forgiveness process so that she does not feel personally condemned? In other words, the person might reason this way: Why is she suggesting this to me? Do I appear overly angry or something?
A key is to realize that forgiveness is a choice and so you can start by gently having a conversation about your friend’s inner world relative to the injustice(s) against her. Is she having emotional discomfort? Is she restless because of too much anger? Inner pain can be a great motivator for change. If she tells you that her inner world is not healthy, then your providing a possible solution in forgiving may get her attention. You will be able to ascertain her interest if she wants to discuss a solution to her inner pain. At that point you can suggest forgiveness, but please be sure to discuss what forgiveness both is (a moral virtue of being good to those who are not good to you) and what it is not (it is not excusing, forgetting, necessarily reconciling, or abandoning justice).