Tagged: “hurtful event”
If I make a decision to forgive, is that sufficient to actually forgive?
We did a study in which we asked some of the participants to go only to our Decision Phase of forgiveness. We asked other participants to advance through our entire Process Model of Forgiveness, which includes the Work and Discovery Phases. Those who stopped at the Decision Phase did not achieve the same psychological benefits as those who went through the entire forgiveness program. This was expected because to decide to forgive is not the same as exercising the moral virtue of forgiveness in its entirety. Here is the reference to that research:
Al-Mabuk, R., Enright, R. D., & Cardis, P. (1995). Forgiveness education with parentally love-deprived college students. Journal of Moral Education, 24, 427-444.
How do we know when the anger inside is unhealthy?
Here are some questions you can ask yourself, the answers to which will help you see whether or not the anger is unhealthy or not:
1). How much anger do you have inside on a 1 to 10 scale, ranging from 1 (no anger) to 10 (an extreme amount of anger)? A score in the 7 to 10 range is worth noting.
2). How often do you have this anger? If you have it for much of the day for most days and this has lasted for weeks or months, then this is worth noting.
3). Do you have difficulty concentrating on tasks which you need to complete on any given day? If so, how often is this happening? Again, if this occurs on most days, this is worth noting.
4). Does your anger interfere with your sleep?
5). Does the anger interfere with your energy level in that you are tired more often than you should be?
6). Is the anger interfering with your happiness in life?
If your answer is yes to questions 4 through 6, and if your anger is abiding in you, as seen in questions 1 through 3, then you should consider the probability that your anger is in need of correction. If you have been treated unjustly by other people, then forgiveness may be a good way of regulating this unhealthy anger.
I told my partner that I forgave him. He did not accept it and told me he did nothing wrong. This rejection has increased my pain. I now have the pain from the original offense and now this. How do you suggest I deal with this doubling of my pain?
Yes, his rejection of your gift of forgiveness is another pain for you. If you think he is being unjust in this, you can deliberately forgive him for the original offense and then you can begin forgiving him for this second offense of denying any wrongdoing. This double injustice does make the forgiveness journey harder, but it will be worth the effort if you are motivated to forgive both actions by your partner.
If I “bear the pain,” how will this allow me to cry?
To “bear the pain” does not mean to resist sadness. Instead, to “bear the pain” includes accepting the sadness as it comes without running away from it. To “bear the pain” is not to deny pain and sadness, but instead to courageously experience these. The wonderful paradox then is this: As you stand in the pain, allowing yourself to feel it, and deliberately not pass it to the one who hurt you or to others, it is you who begins to heal. In other words, the pain begins to lift.
Please tell me why it is so important to forgive.
You are given the wonderful opportunity to get rid of bitterness and put love in its place for the one who hurt you and then, if you so choose, more widely for others, as you are freed to love more deeply and more broadly.
