Tagged: “hurtful event”
I am angry at my partner, but the anger is not deep. I am more annoyed than really bothered. If I had to put a number on my anger from 1 to 10, I would give it a 3. Do you think I need to forgive, given that my anger is not intense?
There are different reasons to forgive. You could forgive for your own emotional well-being. You could forgive, on a higher moral level, for the good of the other and the good of the relationship. It does not appear that you need to forgive for your own emotional well-being, given how low your anger is. Therefore, you still can forgive so that the other feels better, so that you communicate better together, and so that your relationship becomes stronger.
Why is it so much easier to hold onto anger than it is to forgive?
Holding on to anger can be a way of feeling in control when others treat you in such a way that it is all too easy to feel out of control. Also, the anger can give a person a sense of power, specifically power over others. Further, anger can become a habit, even if this is unintended. This habit can be very hard to break. Forgiveness has been shown scientifically to break this habit of anger.
I am having difficulty with a former partner. I have forgiven him (he asked me to forgive and I have). I cannot go back to that situation because I really cannot trust him. He keeps telling me that I have not forgiven. If I genuinely have forgiven, he insists, then I would take him back. How should I respond?
With a gentle and forgiving heart, you can discuss with him the difference between what forgiveness is (a moral virtue in which you are good to those who have been unfair to you) and reconciliation (which is not a moral virtue, but instead is a negotiation strategy in which two or more people come together again in mutual trust). Again, with gentleness, you can point out that your trust has been deeply hurt by his actions and so you can offer forgiveness, but not reconciliation. If he does not accept this or says anything hurtful to you about this, then this is another situation in which you can forgive.
My motivation to forgive is to be free of anger. Is this a legitimate motive for forgiveness? I ask because, if forgiveness is a moral virtue, shouldn’t my motivation be for the good of the other person who hurt me?
You are correct that as a virtue, forgiveness needs to be for the other. Yet, it takes time to develop a motivation of goodwill toward someone who was cruel. There is nothing dishonorable about having, as one’s initial motivation, a desire for self-preservation. To use a physical analogy, if your knee is hurting, is it selfish to seek medical help? If our heart is broken, is it selfish to try to mend that broken heart? An initial focus on self that changes to a concern for the other is a typical pathway for growing in the virtue of forgiveness.
Can a person “fake himself out” into thinking that there was an injustice when there was no injustice?
To help you ascertain whether or not a person acted unfairly toward you, consider asking yourself these questions:
- What was the action? Do you usually consider this action to be wrong? For example, murder in any culture is wrong.
- What is the person’s intention? Did the person mean to do wrong? Even if the person had no intention to do wrong, might the action itself lead to bad consequences at times? An example is texting on one’s cellphone while driving a car. The one who is texting is not intending to hurt others, but the action itself of inattention could lead to dire consequences. Therefore, the action without intention to harm still is wrong.
- What are the circumstances for the other whom you are considering? For example, was the person sick that day and so was impatient, which typically is not the case for this person? Were there pressures on the person that you did not see? Again, as with our point 2 above, having a good excuse still does not exonerate the person from the conclusion that there was an injustice that did occur.
As you take into account the action, the intention, and the circumstance of the other person’s behavior, this may help you in determining whether or not there was a genuine injustice.
