Tagged: “hurtful event”

How does forgiving work in huge issues such as the Holocaust, for example? Can a person forgive an entire group that has followed a misguided ideology?

This idea of forgiving in the context of “huge issues” such as the Holocaust is extremely controversial. Some will say that forgiving is not appropriate in this context for a number of reasons (The vast majority of people in the current generation were not in the Holocaust and so it is not their place to offer forgiving; some injustices are so grave as to eliminate the possibility of offering forgiving). Yet, there are people who are on record as offering their own forgiveness to the Nazis. The late Eva Mozes Kor, in the film Forgiving Dr. Mengele, is one example of this. People can forgive groups because when we forgive we do forgive people; groups are made up of people. Thus, if certain people so choose, they can forgive those who instituted Nazism or slavery, as two examples.

Also, the philosopher, Trudy Govier, makes the distinction among primary, secondary, and tertiary forgiving. Primary forgiving is when someone hurts you directly; secondary forgiving occurs when you are hurt because a loved one was hurt (a grandson, then, who is hurt by the death of a grandparent in the Holocaust, can forgive for his own sake, but not forgive on behalf of the grandparent); tertiary forgiving is when you forgive, for example, a public official who is guilty of corruption in another country. In this case, you are not hurt directly and, let us suppose for the sake of this example, none of your relatives were hurt directly. You feel badly, even resentful, and so tertiary forgiving is appropriate.

We need to remember that forgiving is a person’s own choice. Even if everyone else says that injustice X is too severe for anyone to offer forgiveness, we still might be surprised to see that someone steps up and decides to forgive despite popular opinion to the contrary.

For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.

In your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, you cite a philosophy paper that makes a distinction between willingness to forgive and willfulness in forgiving. You agree that we need willingness but not willfulness. It seems to me that we need both. Willfulness, to me, is the grit and determination to move forward with forgiveness. Would you please clarify?

Let us first define our terms. Willingness is a sense that forgiving is an unfolding process that can take time. We are open to the sometimes small changes that take place in us as we move toward a deeper forgiveness. Willfulness, in the case of the philosophical article you mention, has more of a sense of control: I want to forgive now and have it all wrapped up now. Willfulness in this sense can discourage people as they push so hard to forgive now, but then do not feel any relief. Your view of willfulness is more in line with the term strong will. The strong will, as I pointed out recently here, is the motivation and action to persevere in the forgiveness process. I agree with you that we need this when we are finding it hard to forgive.

For additional information, see 7 Unscrupulous Traits of People Who are Unwilling to Forgive.

I am having a hard time persevering in forgiving someone. What do you suggest?

When you say that you are having a hard time persevering, do you mean that you have stopped trying to forgive? If so, I suggest that you reflect for a while on what I call your strong will. A strong will is the motivation and behavior intended to keep you on a path, any path, that you deem as worthwhile. Philosophers often talk about the good will (wanting the best for others), a free will (choosing to do good rather than being forced to do so), but rarely talk of the strong will. This strong will, or the desire and effort to continue toward the goal, needs reflection and it’s development within you. As the strong will develops, you likely will stay on the path of forgiving. Also, please note that it is fine to take breaks from the forgiveness process. We do this with work vacations or taking time out from the fitness workouts in the gym. We can do the same with forgiving, but with the intent to return.

For additional information, see: On the Importance of Perseverance when Forgiving.

Forgiveness is unfair to the forgiver. After all, those who forgive are asked to do the impossible: to feel compassion, to absorb pain that should not be theirs in the first place, to be kind to the unkind. Can’t we just set forgiveness aside?

Because forgiving is a choice, not demanded in any society of which I am aware, you can set forgiveness aside. Yet, when deeply hurt by others, what is your alternative for ridding yourself of a gnawing resentment that could bring you down? In the giving of the compassion, in the bearing of the pain, in the attempt to be kind, the paradox is that you, yourself, may experience a cessation of the poison of that resentment. Does this seem like an outcome you would like to set aside? Forgiveness advances you toward this healthy outcome and may even reestablish a relationship if the other can be trusted and does not harm you.

For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.

I still don’t get your point that when we forgive a person then we try to see them in a positive light. Why can’t we just be indifferent toward that person?

We need to think of forgiveness as a process that is imperfect. We often start with negative feelings toward a person who has been deeply unjust to us. This can change to the indifference which you suggest. Eventually, this can transform to a small amount of compassion and even develop into a sense of agape love, or a love that is in service to the other for that person’s own sake. From the perspective of Aristotelian philosophy, there is an essence or a perfect bottom-line to what forgiveness is in its ideal state. That essence, as I explain in my book, The Forgiving Life, is agape love toward the one who was hurtful. Defining the essence of forgiving as agape love does not mean that all who forgive reach this endpoint. Yet, it is important to know the endpoint so we know the ultimate goal toward which we are striving. Knowing this ideal endpoint is important as we practice any virtue, whether it is forgiveness or justice or courage or patience, as examples.

For additional information, see  The Four Phases of Forgiveness.