Tagged: “hurtful event”
I have a pattern of saying to myself, “I forgive you” whenever someone is unjust to me or even when I am somewhat annoyed. I now am wondering: Am I actually forgiving when I do this or am I not forgiving?
Forgiving is a process that requires more than a statement such as “I forgive you.” Your statement to yourself may be more of a promise to now work on the process, to commit to the struggles of seeing the inherent worth in the other person, to bear the pain of what happened, and to be good to the person (within reason; you need not reconcile if the other is harmful to you). So, try to see the positives in your statement to yourself. Try to see it as the beginning of the commitment now to follow through with the hard work of forgiving.
How do I “acknowledge the other person’s humanity” when this person acts more like an animal than a person. Sorry for such a negative statement, but this is how this person behaves.
Please keep in mind the distinction between what Aristotle described as each person’s “potentiality” compared with the person’s “actuality” in behaving in accord with the moral virtues. The one you described as acting “like an animal” is not actualizing the potential for high level human behavior. Yet, this person still has the “potentiality” to achieve this, with proper virtues education and encouragement by wise people. As you see this potential, you are acknowledging the humanity in the other person.
The one I need to forgive is deceased. What good is it to forgive someone who has died?
While the other cannot benefit in any direct, physical way from your forgiveness, there are two areas of benefit for your consideration: 1) You may be able to create a positive (and truthful) view of that person, preserving a more dignified reputation for this person than might have been the case if you speak negatively about the person to others; and 2) you, yourself, as the forgiver, may find that your resentment melts and so you feel better upon forgiving.
I am angry at my partner, but the anger is not deep. I am more annoyed than really bothered. If I had to put a number on my anger from 1 to 10, I would give it a 3. Do you think I need to forgive, given that my anger is not intense?
There are different reasons to forgive. You could forgive for your own emotional well-being. You could forgive, on a higher moral level, for the good of the other and the good of the relationship. It does not appear that you need to forgive for your own emotional well-being, given how low your anger is. Therefore, you still can forgive so that the other feels better, so that you communicate better together, and so that your relationship becomes stronger.
Why is it so much easier to hold onto anger than it is to forgive?
Holding on to anger can be a way of feeling in control when others treat you in such a way that it is all too easy to feel out of control. Also, the anger can give a person a sense of power, specifically power over others. Further, anger can become a habit, even if this is unintended. This habit can be very hard to break. Forgiveness has been shown scientifically to break this habit of anger.
