Tagged: “injustice”

The tenth of 15 criticisms I see about forgiveness is this: When you proclaim your forgiveness, it only serves to make the one who offended you feel guilty.

To forgive offers a lot more consequences than just having the offending person feel guilty.  As we saw in our point 9, forgiving can heal you, the forgiver, psychologically.  Your forgiving can help to restore a relationship, if the other is amenable to this.  Yes, your proclamation of forgiving may make the other feel guilty and this is a very good thing if the other is guilty of injustice.  The feeling of guilt may aid the person in repenting and therefore changing unjust behavior.

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The eleventh of 15 criticisms that I so characteristically see on-line is this: The self-help advice suggests that forgiving is a quick-fix, accomplished so quickly as to be a superficial and misguided way of healing from trauma.

Research consistently shows that to forgive a person for a very deep injustice that has resulted in the effects of trauma takes patience, struggle, and time.  This science shows that to forgive a person for such deep injustices is definitely not a quick fix.  The problem here is in the advice of quickness and not something inherent in forgiveness itself.

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How do I correct a child who equates forgiving with revenge?  The thought in this child, age 6, is that if he can get back at the other person, then they can move on together.

A key issue is to begin talking with the child about how all people are special, unique, and irreplaceable.  All people have built-in worth.  As Horton the elephant says in the Dr. Seuss classic, Horton Hears a Who, “A person’s a person no matter how small.”  Try to get the child to see this and to see that the proper response to other people is kindness.  Getting back at someone who behaved badly is not kindness and so this cannot possibly be forgiveness.  It is important also to bring in the issue of justice.  If a child is being bullied by another, for example, the one who might forgive needs to seek justice by telling an adult about the unfair situation.

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The person I am forgiving thinks that upon my forgiveness, our relationship can proceed as if the injustices never happened.  How do I get him to realize this is not correct?

He has to see the difference between forgiving and reconciling.   He might see your forgiving as giving in to his unacceptable behavior, which forgiving is not.  This distinction between forgiving and reconciling may help him to see that he has work to do if the relationship will improve.

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