Tagged: “injustice”

I grew up in a household in which my parents got angry quickly and expressed their anger often. I am about to get married. What cautions do you see for me?

I would recommend that you have a discussion with your future marriage partner about the kinds of patterns that occurred in each of your families of origin.  Try to see the woundedness that was expressed in each family.  This is because both of you might reproduce those patterns of woundedness with each other in the years to come.  Your being aware of the wounds in your parents (and siblings), as well as your own woundedness from these, may help both of you from inadvertently passing those wounds onto each other.  Each of you forgiving family members for giving you wounds should help in this regard.  I wish you the best in your upcoming marriage.

Is forgiveness for the self or for the one who behaved badly?

We have to make a distinction here between what forgiving is and what it accomplishes, or the consequences of forgiving.  Because forgiveness is a moral virtue, it always is for the other.  Why?  This is because the moral virtues, whether it is justice or patience or kindness, flow out from the person to others.  It is the same when forgiving another person.  Yet, one consequence can be self-healing.  Thus, the self benefits by being good to another person who was unfair.  Forgiveness is about the other person and so is for that person.  Your doing this to achieve an inner peace is one reasonable goal of forgiving, as are other goals such as wanting to aid the other and to improve a relationship.

Can I be perfectly fine without forgiving a person who acted unjustly against me? In other words, can the anger just vanish?

In the past, I used to engage in what the expression is called “killing them with kindness.”  It actually has been my mode of revenge, as I harbored deep anger while faking kindness.  Is it possible to transition from fake kindness to the real thing?

Yes, it definitely is possible to change from a fake kindness to genuine kindness.  We have thinking exercises in which we ask the one who is forgiving to see the struggles in the one who acted unfairly.  Oftentimes, a person who is cruel to others has a history of being abused.  Such an insight within the one who forgives (toward the one who was unfair) is not fostered to excuse the unjust behavior, but instead to see a genuine person, a hurting person, who is engaging in the injustice.  As you begin to see a genuine person, one who has wounds and may be confused and frustrated, then a genuine sense of kindness toward that person can emerge.  It takes time and so please be gently with yourself as you examine the true personhood of the other.

What do you suggest I do when trying to help a friend start the forgiveness process so that she does not feel personally condemned?  In other words, the person might reason this way: Why is she suggesting this to me?  Do I appear overly angry or something?

A key is to realize that forgiveness is a choice and so you can start by gently having a conversation about your friend’s inner world relative to the injustice(s) against her.  Is she having emotional discomfort?  Is she restless because of too much anger?  Inner pain can be a great motivator for change.  If she tells you that her inner world is not healthy, then your providing a possible solution in forgiving may get her attention.  You will be able to ascertain her interest if she wants to discuss a solution to her inner pain.  At that point you can suggest forgiveness, but please be sure to discuss what forgiveness both is (a moral virtue of being good to those who are not good to you) and what it is not (it is not excusing, forgetting, necessarily reconciling, or abandoning justice).