Tagged: “injustice”

I have done the exercise for your Process Model and I see the stresses that the person was under. Still, this does little for my anger. Yes, I see a wounded and even a weak person, but I still want to punch him for what he did to me. What can you suggest to me so that I am not living with this resentment?

Doing the exercises is not an automatic way out of resentment. It will take time for the resentment to end. I recommend homework for you on a daily basis. Here is that homework: At least twice a day for the next two weeks, please go over the tasks in this exercise, trying to see the person more clearly at the time of the injury. Say to yourself, “I forgive (name) for hurting me at that time when this person was under stress. I will try to be merciful even though I did not receive either justice or mercy.”

Based on a response in 8 Keys to Forgiveness, Chapter 5.

If someone has frustrated and offended me and I choose silence because I am afraid to choose dialogue and confront him, is this actually forgiveness on my part? Is it true forgiveness? 

First, do you commit to doing no harm to the other? If yes, this is the beginning of forgiving.  Do you see the inherent worth in the other, not because of what was done, but in spite of that?  This, too, is part of forgiving.  Do you wish the other well?  This is part of forgiving as the late Lewis Smedes reminded us in his book, Forgive and Forget.  The silence itself is not necessarily forgiving. Why?  I can be silent with hatred in my heart.  To forgive is to have a change of heart toward the offending person (as the philosopher Joanna North said in the book, Exploring Forgiveness, 1998).

How can our students accept the spirit of forgiveness when violence is rampant in their family? 

Students need to be taught that as one forgives, then seeking fairness also is necessary in certain contexts such as violence.  Do not let one virtue (forgiveness) emerge without the other (justice) when there is danger.  Just because certain people are unjust does not mean that now I as a forgiver am blocked from being a moral person who practices the other virtues such as courage and justice.  It is hard to forgive a violent parent, but the alternative (hate) is a much harder condition with which to live for the growing child or for an adult-child who suffers the effects of that violence many years later.

You favor forgiveness education programs in world conflict zones. Yet, haven’t these conflicts gone on and on for centuries in some places? If so, why bother with forgiveness education since the conflicts likely will not end even in these young children’s lifetimes?

You are correct that some people live with injustices that are not likely to end in their lifetime. Even if forgiveness does not completely get rid of all injustices, that forgiveness will heal individuals, families, and communities from the damaging effects of the injustice (deep resentment, hatred, and the resulting anxiety, depression, and hopelessness that too often accompany unsolved injustice). A quest for justice is good and important. Yet, the quest for justice alone in these circumstances can lead to frustration, anger, and the displacement of that anger onto one’s own children and community members, leading to serious psychological compromise. Forgiveness can reverse and prevent these negative effects.

I want to teach my 8-year-old child about forgiveness. I notice that you talk about the inter-relationship between forgiving and seeking fairness. Should I teach one of these moral virtues first (forgiveness first or justice first), or should I teach them at the same time?

The teaching of forgiveness already has embedded within it the theme of justice, particularly as the child sees story characters being treated unjustly and then forgiving.  So, the child, in being introduced to forgiveness, is also examining justice.  You can and should point this out; being fair with one another is very important; it is when justice breaks down that people get hurt and then need to forgive.  A more complicated issue is this: Should you teach a child to forgive and to seek justice at the same time?  The answer is yes. For example, if a child is being bullied by another child on the playground, the one being treated unjustly needs to protect the self by letting a teacher or the principal know of the injustice.  Forgiving the one who was bullying also is a good idea, but only if the child is ready and is not pressured into it.