Tagged: “Love”

My motivation to forgive is to assist the one who acted unjustly, to get her attention, to give her a chance to change.  She is not changing.  Therefore, it seems to me that I should withhold forgiving as a last-chance for her to repent and live a better life.  Isn’t this the way to go, to wait on forgiving until the other changes for the sake of that other person?

It seems to me that you are thinking in “either-or” ways rather than “both-and” ways.  This is what I mean: Yes, it is good to try to assist the other in changing unjust behavior.  You can do this assisting even after you forgive.  You can forgive from the heart, and even proclaim your forgiving to the other, and then ask for change.  Let the person know it is important that she sees her behavior as unjust and then do what she can to change that behavior.  If you wait to forgive until she changes, you may never forgive.  Now you are trapped by her choices, trapped with resentment that could last for years.

I have read your views that to forgive for my own sake is honorable because it centers on self-care.  I, though, have a different reason for forgiving.  I want to forgive so that I am acting in a consistent way with my faith.  God asks us to forgive and I want to honor that.  Forgiving enriches my life and those around me.  Do you think self-care is more important than my views on this?

No, I do not think that forgiving for the sake of self-care is more important than your reason for forgiving.  In general (but certainly not always), I tend to find this: At first, people are highly motivated to forgive to get rid of the suffering of emotional pain.  Eventually, people develop other reasons to keep forgiving and to forgive other people for offenses.  One such new development is exactly what you are saying, to forgive to be consistent with one’s strongly held beliefs from faith.  So, these two reasons for forgiving are not mutually exclusive.  The one (the reason from faith) often emerges once the inner wounds begin to heal.

I am motivated to forgive my ex-husband for the sake of the children.  In other words, I do not want them to grow up hating their father.  Is this a good reason for my forgiving him?

Yes, this is an excellent reason for forgiving.  You want to protect your children and this is very honorable.  You are not thinking of yourself, but of them and that, to me, is heroic.  I think your children will benefit greatly from your decision to forgive and your actions of forgiving. I wish you the best with this.

Your Unfolding Love Story for 2021

In March of 2014, we posted a reflection here in which we encouraged you to grow in love as your legacy of 2014.

The challenge was this: Give love away as your legacy of 2014.

We challenged you again in 2015…..and 2016……and we kept going. 

Our challenge to you now is this: Give love away as your legacy of 2021.

One way to start is by looking backward at one incident of 2020. Please think of one incident with one person in which you were loved unconditionally, perhaps even surprised by a partner or a parent or a caring colleague.

Think of your reaction when you felt love coming from the other and you felt love in your heart and the other saw it in your eyes. What was said? How were you affirmed for whom you are, not necessarily for something you did? What was the other’s heart like, and yours?

Can you list some specific, concrete ways in which you have chosen love over indifference? Love over annoyance? If so, what are those specifics and how are they loving? We ask because 2021 is about half over. When it is January 1, 2022, and you look back on the year 2021, what will you see? Now is your chance to put more love in the world.

Tempus fugit. Your good will, free will, and strong will can point to a year of more love…..and the clock is ticking.

Robert

How can one reconcile with a NPD spouse, who has been emotionally and physically abusive and forced to leave?