Tagged: “Love”

How do I know—-really know—-that I am ready to reconcile with someone?

Reconciliation is different from forgiveness.  When we reconcile, this is a process of two or more people coming together again in mutual trust.  Reconciliation is conditional on the other person’s willingness to change, if he or she was the one who acted unfairly.  Forgiveness, in contrast, can be offered unconditionally to the other as a form of respect, understanding, compassion, and even love, even if there is no reconciliation.  So, you can forgive without reconciling.

With all of this as background, here are four questions which might help you decide if you are ready to reconcile (and I am presuming that the other is the one who has hurt you):

1) Has the other shown an inner sorrow about what he or she did?  We call this remorse;

2) Has the person verbally expressed this sorrow to you.  We call this repentance;

3)  Has the person made amends for what happened (and we have to ask if he or she has done so within reason because sometimes we cannot make full amends.  For example, if someone stole $1,000 from you but truly cannot repay it all, then you cannot expect that he or she can make amends in any perfect way).  We call this recompense;

4)  If the person has shown what I call the “three R’s” of remorse, repentance, and recompense, then do you have even a little trust in your heart toward the person?  If so, then perhaps you can begin a slow reconciliation, taking small steps in rebuilding the relationship.  Your answer to these four questions may help you with your question: How do I know that I now am ready to reconcile?

For additional information, see: I thought it was possible to forgive someone without ever trusting them again. Is this not true?

What would you advise when you see that a child is so angry that he should forgive, but he cannot let go of the anger?

First, it is the child’s choice to forgive or not. If you hover over the child and demand forgiving, this could do more harm than good. Let the child be drawn to forgiveness. Perhaps you can watch a film in which a character forgives. Let the child see that and then ask such questions as these:

“Did you see what that character in the film did?

Why do you think the character forgave, even though so hurt and angry?

What happened after the forgiving, what was the consequence of the forgiving?

When we are really angry, one thing to think about is forgiving the other. It can do you a lot of good.

What do you think?”

For additional information, see Your Kids Are Smarter Than You Think.

How do I forgive my husband, daughter, and future son-in-law for treating me so horribly during this past year planning my daughter’s wedding and they didn’t want any of my suggestions?  They just wanted our $45,000 and basically decided now not to have any type of reception, just keep the money for a house and have no celebration with my family or my husband’s family. She’s our only daughter and my husband gave her all this money behind my back without consulting me. She will be married on Saturday in a civil ceremony with a gathering at the in-laws apartment.

I have some questions for you:

1) Would you be willing to commit to doing no harm to your husband, your daughter, and your new son-in-law even in the context of your having the opportunity to somehow hurt them?  If you answered, “Yes, I will commit to doing no harm,” then you are on the forgiveness journey.  This is a big step in the process;

2) Have you tried to see each of their weaknesses, their confusions, their wounds that may have wounded you?  If not, perhaps you need to do some of this cognitive work, to see them in a wider perspective than only their injuries toward you;

3)  Do you think that your will is strong enough to do the work outlined in #1 and 2 above?  If so, that work could lead to your forgiving if you give this time.

So, what do you think?  Have you found your way onto the path of forgiveness?  Let me know and I will do all that I can to help you onto the forgiveness path.

As one further resource which may be helpful to you, here is my latest blog at Psychology Today.  The theme centers on being betrayed by others:

Have You Been Betrayed? 5 Suggestions for You.

How is it possible, given your experience, for someone to forgive those who have done horrible things (such as genocide)?

I do not expect people to readily want to forgive those who have done horrible things. Some people say that once such horrible acts occur, then forgiveness is never possible. Yet, there are those who have forgiven people for such atrocities. It is a matter of public record: Corrie Ten Boom in her book, The Hiding Place, is just one example as she forgave Nazis for killing her family members.

I use the term “forgivingly fit” to describe how it is possible for people to forgive where others would never even consider it. As people continually practice forgiveness in the little things of life, they build up an insight and a practice of forgiving that helps them when tragedy strikes. This does not at all mean that those who refuse to forgive in these contexts are bad people, not at all. We all have a choice of forgiving or not and to refuse should not lead to other people condemning them for this.

For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.

Is it possible to genuinely forgive without reconciliation?

Yes, people can genuinely forgive even if they are not able to reconcile with another because of the other’s continual hurtful behavior. When one forgives in this way, he or she commits to doing no harm to the other, works at reducing resentment, and strives to offer goodness. In the latter case that might mean, for example, giving a donation to charity in that person’s name, without interacting with the person because of the possibility of further injury.

For additional information, see Do I Have to Reconcile with the Other When I Forgive?