It seems to me that mercy and forgiveness are different. In mercy, one person is higher than another and has pity on the one who is hurting. In forgiveness, you level the moral playing field and each are equal in their humanity. Would you please clarify for me?
Actually, forgiveness is a moral virtue that flows from mercy and mercy flows from the moral virtue of love. Yes, you are correct that when a person is showing mercy toward another, the one who is merciful is helping someone in distress. This, however, does not at all make the one who extends mercy somehow higher in humanity than the one who is in pain. They are equal as **persons** even though their **circumstances** differ.
So, to summarize, love in the Greek sense of agape, is to serve others for the others’ sake. In the serving, one may have to endure pain and persevere and actually suffer in such serving. This, in other words, does not put the one who is serving in a higher position. Mercy is a particular form of love in which the one showing mercy tries to alleviate the pain of another, which can cause the mercy-worker to feel pain and experience humility in the serving, thus leveling the moral playing field in that this is one person helping another person. Forgiveness is a special case of mercy in that the forgiver tries to serve the offending person by alleviating his or her pain, misunderstanding, and even moral weakness by helping the one who caused pain and who may be in pain because of the unjust action. In each case of love, mercy, and forgiveness, the moral virtue is one **person** serving another **person or persons** and each is equal in their personhood.
For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.
I feel that my friend deserves love and forgiveness, but I do not feel ready to forgive. Have I actually started the forgiveness process if I at least feel in my heart that she deserves my love?
Yes, I do think that you are on the path of forgiveness when you realize that your friend deserves your love. I say that because one of the first steps of forgiveness is to commit to doing no harm to the one who hurt you. When you say that your friend deserves your love, it seems to me that you will not then deliberately do her harm, even if you are not feeling or expressing love just yet toward her. Love is a more advanced form of forgiveness than committing to doing no harm. This is the case because doing no harm is refraining from the negative; love is deliberately instituting the positive toward your friend.
Learn more at 8 Reasons to Forgive.
Which is better: forgiving for my own well-being or forgiving for the sake of the other person who was offensive?
When you forgive in a genuine way, it always is for the other. Why? This is because forgiveness, as a moral virtue, is other-focused. A motivation to forgive may be one’s own emotional, physical, and relational well-being. This is not dishonorable because, if you are hurting, it is reasonable to try to alleviate the pain. If one is not focused at all on the other person during the process, then this is not a true forgiveness process.
Learn more at What is Forgiveness?
WOODTV.COM, Grand Rapids, MI – A 23-year-old man who shot and killed a teenager last year learned at his sentencing earlier this week that he will spend the rest of his life in prison. He also learned that the teenager’s mother has forgiven him for his crime.
“In order to get through this process, I had to forgive you,” said Javika Hawkins, mother of Andre Hawkins, the teen shot in a case of mistaken identity. “And I have forgiven you from the bottom of my heart.”
Vicente Rodriguez-Ortiz was convicted of murdering two people 10-months apart last year including 17-year-old Andre, someone he thought was romantically involved with his ex-girlfriend. As required by Michigan law, his mandatory sentence was life in prison without the possibility of parole.
“As a mother, you’re a child to me and in my heart, I have no anger or bitterness toward you,” Javika said in a tear-filled statement at Rodriguez-Ortiz’s sentencing April 23. “As a mom, I just want to hug you because I know there is something that’s not connected that made you feel so angry for a person you didn’t know.”
The grace with which Javika Hawkins delivered her words stunned those gathered in the Kent County Circuit courtroom.
“I just really want other young kids to really take this to heart,” she added. “Somebody’s innocent life was taken over a jealous rage.” ♥
If I practice forgiveness a lot, will I become faster at reaching an endpoint of forgiving, or will this depend on the severity of the injustice against me?
In my own experience with others, I see that as people practice forgiveness, they actually do become what I call “expert forgivers” in that they forgive more quickly and more deeply than was the case in the past. At the same time, if the current injustice is severe, this will take longer to forgive the one who perpetrated this severe injustice. Even if it takes you longer now to forgive people for recent severe injustices against you, the length of your forgiving still likely will be shorter than it might have been years ago, when you were just starting to learn about forgiveness.
For additional information, see The Forgiving Life.