Tagged: “Misconceptions”
I am discussing forgiveness with a friend. When we got to the point of “standing in the pain,” trouble started. My friend said this, “When I think of standing in the pain, it scares me. Won’t the pain crush me? After all, modern times and modern medicine have the goal of eliminating pain, not heaping it onto our shoulders.” How do I respond to this?
Your friend is missing the paradox of forgiving. As we stand in the pain, we stop running from it and meet it courageously. As we do so, we realize that we will not be overcome by the pain. It is here that standing in the pain actually helps to lessen that pain as the person no longer is afraid of it and faces it. This is the paradox: Although it appears as if one will be crushed by the pain, the opposite occurs, and the person becomes free of most or even all of that pain.
I know you recommend stepping inside the offending person’s shoes, having empathy for this person, and understanding the struggles through which the person has gone from childhood to the present. When I do this, I feel as if I am feeling so sorry for this person that I want to say, “It’s ok. What you did was not so bad.”
To guard against excusing the person’s unjust actions, I recommend that you keep in your mind and heart the four issues that are not part of forgiving:
- When we forgive, we do not excuse the wrongdoing;
- When we forgive, we do not literally forget, but instead, we remember in new ways without the rancor building in our hearts;
- When we forgive, we do not necessarily reconcile;
- When we forgive, we do not abandon justice.
These points, which we discuss during the Decision Phase of the Process Model of Forgiveness, are meant to keep you tough-minded about what happened so that when you become tender-hearted, you do not fall into the error of saying, “It’s ok what happened,” or finding excuses for the unjust behavior.
I don’t think that I have forgiven the one who abused me in childhood. The emotional wounds are deep. In working on your Process Model of Forgiveness, I have overcome my profound anger. I still have some anger, but it is manageable. What is bothering me is that I cannot seem to find any positive feelings for this person. Does this mean I have not forgiven yet?
Because you have overcome much of your deep anger toward the person, it seems to me that you have been successful so far in your forgiveness journey. Reducing anger to manageable levels is very important. Sometimes, people are so emotionally wounded that they do not have positive feelings or even positive thoughts about the other. We are all imperfect forgivers, as the late Lewis Smedes (who wrote the book Forgive and Forget, published in 1984) reminded us. So, I recommend that you be gentle with yourself and see the triumph in your forgiveness journey to this point. You are making progress. If you choose to continue this journey, keep trying to see the inherent worth in the one who hurt you. As you cultivate that in your mind and your emotions, some positive feelings may begin to emerge for you toward the person. Even if this does not occur, your continuing to forgive will help you keep the anger under control, as you are doing now. Please be encouraged by this.
When my brother and I got into an argument as kids, my parents would frequently ask us to shake hands and “just forgive” one another. The phrase “I forgive you” seemed to be the final step before going on to something else. Because of this, I now consider forgiveness to be a somewhat flimsy solution to issues. What should I do as a father right now, in your opinion, to prevent my kids from developing a shallow concept of forgiveness?
You are right when you say that the lessons we teach our children about forgiveness may have an impact on them well into adulthood. I’m not saying that there won’t be further development in their understanding once they are in their adult years. Rather, what I mean is that beyond childhood, the impressions formed (whether correct or error-filled)—forgiveness is vital, forgiveness is not very important, forgiveness is about loving others, forgiving is like a fast handshake—remain.
This is crucial: Don’t minimize what forgiveness is. Simplify, yes, but avoid distortion. For instance, our teacher/parent handbook for forgiveness education for 6-year-olds in the first grade (in the United States) teaches these young children that forgiving:
1. takes place when there is unfairness;
2. entails recognizing the intrinsic value of everyone, even those who have harmed them;
3. incorporates the virtues of kindness, respect, and love (charity or caring about others for their own sake);
4. does not always involve making amends if the other person poses a threat;
5. does not imply that we disregard justice.
It may seem like quite a challenge to expect this of six-year-olds, and it is. Stories such as Horton Hears a Who by Dr. Seuss are used by the instructor or parent to teach first-grade (in the United States) students. All five of the aforementioned ideas are easily understood by the students, who can subsequently use them in the classroom and on the playground when peer conflicts occur. As the teacher reads each book (or a shorter summary) to the class, the instructional guides give them questions and answers.
In addition to the first-grade curriculum guide, we offer guides for grades pre-kindergarten (age 4) through grade 12 (again utilizing the Unitary States grade system) for students aged 17 and 18. These forgiveness education curriculum guides are available in the Shop section of this website.
At the start of our relationship, my girlfriend was quite abusive for a long period, emotionally, verbally, and once physically. I supported her through it and her difficult self-healing process. I was unaware that to stay with her, I had erected barriers of deep anger and self-preservation. I began to vent my anger on her, and I probably also emotionally abused her for several months. However, I’ve since come to terms with it and started going to counseling to deal with my resentment toward her. Although she has made the decision to end the relationship, I believe we can work things out. How can we both forgive one another and move on? I know our relationship can be repaired.
It is difficult for me to learn about your partner’s past without speaking with her. I have a suspicion that she was subjected to considerably unfair treatment in her past. She should consider first examining this and, if she is willing, extend forgiveness to those who were or continue to be unfair to her. Her trust appears to have been damaged, possibly as a result of previous injustices. If she can recognize and address previous abuses and then forgive those who offended, your relationship has a good chance of healing. When the time comes for you both to forgive one another, she will have discovered the way to do so. When it’s time for you two to work together, I suggest reading Chapter 13 of the book The Forgiving Life.