Tagged: “Misconceptions”
Is there ever a time when the process of healing takes a different turn from forgiveness? Here is an example: Suppose I forgive my partner for a certain unfairness. Then she does the same injustice again, and I forgive again. She then does this a third time. Do I drop forgiveness and move in another direction, or do I forgive again?
I have found that as a person continues with an unfair set of actions, the forgiveness process becomes more challenging because the anger can build up even more. Yet, it is under such circumstances that forgiveness remains very important so that your anger does not get in the way of your well-being or the relationship. Under the circumstances you describe, I would urge you not to abandon forgiveness but instead to carefully add the quest for justice. Forgive and ask the person to please change the behavior that is upsetting you. It may take time for the other person to change the behavior, but if you see genuine effort, this may be an encouragement for you.
How can people be sure that they are done with their anger after forgiving and seeking forgiveness from a partner? Might residual anger spill over to new interactions in the relationship?
Sometimes all of one’s anger does not extinguish upon first forgiving. Yet, even if some anger is left over, as long as much of it has diminished so that the anger is not in control within the relationship, the partners can move forward well. A key is to be aware of the residual anger and to practice forgiving again for the past injustice(s). In this way, civil, respectful, and loving interactions can occur because the leftover anger is small and does not usually dominate the relationship.
Is it possible for healthy anger to turn into unhealthy rage over time?
This is feasible, yes. It is normal to feel angry when someone treats you unfairly because it is a means to let the other person know that you are a valuable person who shouldn’t be treated that way. You will need an outlet for the anger if you keep thinking about what happened, and your anger begins to become more intense and widespread. At this point, you might consider forgiving the other person. If you choose not to forgive, then that anger can grow so strong that it eventually transforms into an unhealthy form over several months, which may result in anxiety, depression, disturbed sleep, and even hatred toward the other person, if you have no way to release it and keep thinking about what happened. A crucial remedy for all of this is forgiveness. In other words, it is never too late to forgive.
My therapist recently recommended forgiveness therapy for me. I am not quite sure what that is. Do you have a succinct explanation of this so that I can get a sense of whether or not this is right for me?
Yes, I have a recent essay on the Psychology Today website that gives the reader a sense of what forgiveness therapy is. You can access the essay here:
Why Forgiveness Therapy? Advice for Those Contemplating It, March 18, 2025
When a person forgives, is this an exercise in offering fairness to the one who behaved badly, or is it an act of mercy in which I give more than what is deserved?
You have a good sense of mercy when you say it is giving more than what is deserved. In contrast, justice is giving what is deserved. When you give forgiveness to someone who hurt your heart, on its highest level, you are offering agape love or goodness toward the other, even when it is painful to do so. This is going well beyond justice, or giving what is deserved in light of the unjust behavior. What is deserved in a justice sense is admonition, an attempt to correct the behavior, or perhaps imprisonment in the case of severe, law-breaking actions. Therefore, it follows that what you offer in forgiveness is mercy that goes well beyond justice. Please keep in mind that when you offer forgiveness, you also can strive for justice. For example, if a person is guilty of assault and is ordered to serve a sentence, you can forgive and support the person’s imprisonment.
