Tagged: “Misconceptions”
With regard to the popular saying, “forgive and forget,” is it unwise for me to want to forget?
Some people are afraid that, if they forget, then the other person’s injustice will emerge again. Others, as in your case, want to forget. When we “forget” in your case, we tend to let the memory fade so that it is not constantly coming up for us and challenging our happiness. I find that as people forgive, they do forget in the sense of no longer having to continually relive the event in their mind. What tends to happen is this: People now remember in new ways and look back less frequently. By “remembering in new ways” I mean that when you look back, you do so with far less pain than in the past. People look back less frequently because, when filled with resentment, there is a tendency to ruminate on what happened in the hope of solving the unpleasant issue. Upon forgiving, you may not have solved the problem, but you have solved the nagging effects of that problem such as anger, fatigue, and sadness. So, it is wise to engage in “forgive and forget” as described here.
For additional information, see Forgive and Forget: What Does it Mean?
What is one very surprising thing you have learned about forgiveness?
One surprise is how angry some people can get when the word forgiveness is mentioned. I find that this happens especially when the one so angered has been treated very badly by others. The person then sees forgiveness as possibly dangerous (because it is seen as giving in to the other’s manipulations) and morally inappropriate (because the person thinks that one has to receive justice before forgiveness occurs). Another surprise I have found, by studying forgiveness scientifically, is how powerful it is in restoring psychological health when the person has been devastated by the injustice.
Learn more at Forgiving is not. . .
I started the process of forgiving my mother. As I went on this journey, I realized that she was treated very badly by my grandmother, who passed away before I was born. Should I also forgive my grandmother, even though I never met her?
Yes, you can forgive your grandmother. This is what the philosopher, Trudy Govier, calls secondary forgiveness. Even though your grandmother was not directly unjust to you, she was indirectly unjust to you because of what she did to your mother.
You might want to read this essay from Psychology Today: Can You Forgive a Person Who Has Died?
What steps can we take to forgive non-living things such as illnesses or natural disasters?
Actually, we do not forgive illnesses or natural disasters because these cannot act unjustly toward us. The key is to accept (rather than forgive) these when we are affected by them.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
I don’t feel anger. So, I don’t need to forgive my father for ignoring me while I was growing up, right?
You do not have to feel anger to forge ahead with forgiving. For example, are you feeling disappointed or sad? Do you think you can have a genuine trusting relationship with your father now? If not, then forgiving would be appropriate. In other words, it is not only feelings of anger that motivate forgiving. If you think you have been treated unfairly and this is getting in the way of your current relationship with your father, then forgiving would be appropriate if you choose to do so.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
