Tagged: “Misconceptions”
Why do you think some people forgive easily while most of us have to struggle with the process?
The philosopher Aristotle reminded us that as people practice any moral virtue, then they become more developmentally advanced in it. Therefore, as people tend to practice forgiveness more regularly, they are ready to forgive the next time injustices emerge. Yet, we need to keep in mind that even the well-practiced people can struggle to forgive others for a new injustice if that unfairness is deeply unfair. Even when a grave injustice challenges the well-practiced people, they are likely to move through the forgiveness process more quickly and more deeply than people who are new at forgiving.
I would like to explore self-forgiveness. Do you have a recommended reading for me?
I recommend my book 8 Keys to Forgiveness (2015) published by Norton and available on amazon.com. One of the 8 keys is self-forgiveness. The chapter discusses the controversies about forgiving the self and how to go about engaging in self-forgiveness.
What does it mean to have a change of heart toward the one who offended me? Can I just will this and, presto, I am changed? Does it take a while, and if so, what is the endpoint to which I am striving?
A change of heart is a qualitatively new set of feelings and thoughts toward the one who offended you. This usually is not some kind of instantaneous willed change but instead can take time. The change of heart usually includes a slow transformation of anger to reduced anger, to a softened heart, which can include compassion or a willingness to suffer along with the other, who may be suffering from what was done to you or from being abused by others in the past. As you see the other’s struggles and do not define this person predominantly by the unjust actions against you, this compassion can grow in your heart. The endpoint is the cessation or reduction of anger toward the person and growing compassion for this person.
Thank you for your recent reply to my question about dictionary “definitions” of forgiveness. I put that word in quotation marks because, from your thoughtful response, I don’t think they are definitions of forgiveness at all. Here is another question I have: I then consulted a thesaurus for the word forgave. The website said that the “strongest matches” are the words condone and excuse. I now am wondering what your response is to this.
Thank you for your follow-up question. Actually, to condone or excuse are distortions of what the word “forgave” means. When we forgive other people, we focus on them as persons and not on the unjust actions themselves. In other words, as we forgive, we do not say that what happened is all right or acceptable or worthy of not judging the actions as wrong. Those actions should not be overlooked, but a new stance toward the person who engaged in the actions is the key. Why should we not overlook the unjust behaviors? It is because the person who engaged in them should strive to change the unjust behaviors. If we overlook those actions in the name of a false forgiveness, the person might consider perpetrating unhealthy behaviors within your relationship. In other words, the person might misinterpret your response as saying that you think the unjust behaviors are fine. When you forgive, you call the behavior wrong, you do not condone or excuse, and you strive, out of a sense of mercy, to be good to the one whose behavior was not good for you. Forgiveness then can be combined with justice, in which you ask the person to change the unacceptable behavior.
I recently consulted three different dictionaries on the definition of the word “forgive.” The themes were reducing resentment, ceasing to blame, and absolving a debt. Do you agree with these definitions of forgiveness?
No, actually, I do not. Regarding “reducing resentment,” people can reduce resentment because they think the other person is not worth the effort or maybe is not quite human. In other words, in condemning the other, the one who supposedly “forgives” feels better, but there is no sense of moral virtue in such responses. Regarding “ceasing to blame,” when one forgives, one continues to know that what happened was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong. What changes is one’s response toward the other person, which becomes more merciful and more compassionate. One can stop criticizing the other, but the idea that the other did wrong remains. Regarding “absolving a debt,” when one absolves someone else from payment, this is more an issue of legal pardon than forgiveness and these are quite different. One can absolve the other from payment and still loathe the other, which is not forgiveness because there is no sense of seeing the inherent worth in the other. One can absolve a debt and be quite neutral to the other as a person. In conclusion, all three dictionaries are handing out incorrect information about what forgiveness is.
