Tagged: “Misconceptions”
My friend feels that I’ve hurt her feelings by something that I said. I’m not on board. In other words, I have carefully examined the situation and I truly think that I said nothing egregious, nothing wrong, not even with my tone of voice. Now, she is requesting an apology. She’s threatening to permanently leave my life if I don’t agree. In spite of this conflict, I would rather that not occur. How should I proceed? I really don’t think that I should apologize, given I did no wrong, but should I still?
Choosing between friendship and the truth is a big decision. I advise you to select both. “I am sorry that you were hurt by what I said [then specify the issue],” is how I would honestly address the situation if I were in your shoes.
I’m assuming you wish, whatever it was she believes you did to her, didn’t hurt her. You would be acknowledging this. . You’re not expressing regret for a supposed injustice that you say you did not commit.
It is kind of like some people are on repeat. They keep proclaiming that to forgive is a sign of weakness. How would you respond to that?
Here is an excerpt from my book, The Forgiving Life, that addresses this question:
“Many people are hesitant, even afraid, to forgive because they fear that the other will take advantage of them. Forgiveness is for wimps, I have heard many times. Yet, is that true? Is the offer of goodness, true goodness, extended from a position of your own pain, ever done in weakness? How can one offer goodness through a position of pain and see it as weak? And see the giver of this goodness as weak? My point is this: We all may need to delve more deeply into what forgiveness is so that we can make the best decisions possible for ourselves, for our loved ones, and for the ones who hurt us.”
Excerpt from Chapter 3 of The Forgiving Life: A Pathway to Overcoming Resentment and Creating a Legacy of Love by Dr. Robert Enright.
What happens if I repeatedly extend kindness and forgiveness to someone and the person chooses not to accept it? I feel like this is an opportunity for the other to exploit me. It’s also a chance for me to exhaust myself by being kind without expecting anything in return from the other. How do you respond to my ideas?
Your question is important because, barring some crucial clarifications, you might exhaust yourself and it wouldn’t be true forgiveness. Let’s talk about the situation first—you offering forgiveness and the other refusing it. Assume you were practicing the virtue of justice rather than forgiveness, and whenever you treat someone fairly, this person responds unfairly to you. Would you cease to be just because of this? Would you, for instance, begin to act unfairly? No, you would not give up on the moral virtue of justice. Why? Being fair, even when others are not, is good in and of itself. The same holds true when forgiving someone. Even in the face of unmerciful actions from other people all around us, your showing mercy is a good thing in and of itself.
Moving on to the second point: exhausting oneself. It is possible to forgive someone from a distance without having to make amends if the person consistently takes advantage of you. Put another way, extend forgiveness, but afterward, give serious thought to what is fair and reasonable to bring both of you back together again.
It seems to me that as people age, they have the potential to become more wise. Yet, why does senseless harm continue for people even when they get older?
You already have hinted at your answer by using the word “potential.” Having potential does not mean that the person realizes and appropriates more gentleness, mercy, and love. These need to be consciously chosen, with correct understanding of what these are, and the continual practice of these so that the person grows in greater proficiency of them. If communities do not emphasize gentleness, mercy, and love, then people may not reflect deeply on them or practice them diligently, thus losing the opportunity for planting these more deeply in families and communities. Surely, this is a great opportunity lost. It is time to put gentleness, mercy, and love more consistently on the table for discussion and implementation.
I don’t get the world and the constant quest by those in power to hurt others rather than forgive. Why is this?
You raise a vital question. You already have hinted at the answer by using the word “power.” It seems to me that “power” has become a norm for too many in positions of leadership. There are at least 2 forms of power: power **for** others and power **over** others. When there is a norm for dominance and the suppression of humility, then the incessant power **over** others can become a subconscious norm in society. We need a conscious and deliberate examination of power **over** others with a deep discussion of how mercy, forgiveness, and humility need to break into the norms of societies fo good. Using power **for** the good of others will create a more just and humane society anywhere in the world, in my opinion.
