Tagged: “Misconceptions”
Do you think that perpetrating evil can become part of a person’s identity if he practices evil long enough? I am talking about sadistically and deliberately hurting others.
Yes, I think if a person deliberately and consistently decides to hurt others, this can become part of a person’s identity. Let me clarify. This does not necessarily mean that the person sees the self as an “evil person.” Denial can enter the picture, and so the person could end up interpreting the cruelty as “people deserve to be punished, it is good for them.” Yet, even this denial can be part of the person’s identity. Forgiveness can put new meaning and purpose in a person’s life, leading to the free-will decision to put good into the world, including mercy that goes beyond doling out punishment as an end in and of itself.
How can I “bear the pain” when doing so makes me want to throw it back to the one who gave it to me?
Bearing the pain in the forgiveness process does not happen quickly. It usually emerges in our Work Phase after the person has taken time to cognitively see the other as possessing worth as a person, which eventually can lead to even a small amount of compassion toward this other person. Only then do we suggest bearing the pain so that you do not pass it back to the other or displace it onto unsuspecting other people. If you are not ready to bear the pain, try to go back to earlier parts of the forgiveness process and work on your thinking about who the other person is beyond the injustice and your emotional reactions, as they soften.
Dr. Suzanne Freedman Has a Forgiveness Article Published with the Des Moines Register Newspaper
Dr. Suzanne Freedman
On December 6, 2025, Dr. Suzanne Freedman, a professor at The University of Northern Iowa, had a guest column in the Des Moines Register entitled “What We Get Wrong about Forgiveness and Why It Matters.” In this insightful work, she makes the point that forgiving a person for an injustice does not require an apology. Otherwise, too much power is given to the one who acted unfairly. She further argues that to forgive is not to automatically reconcile, especially if the other remains untrustworthy. Further, to forgive is not only to give up anger because forgiveness, as a moral virtue, challenges the forgiver to see the humanity in the other person. This can take time, and the one who was offended should resist being pressured into a quick and superficial forgiveness. Thank you, Dr. Freedman, for your careful clarification regarding forgiveness for the general public. The article can be accessed here:
When people displace their anger onto others, do you think this is primarily unconscious or is it a deliberate and conscious process?
Psychological defenses, such as displacing one’s own discontent onto others, are often unconscious. One goal of traditional psychotherapies is to make this conscious so the person can reduce the displacement. When the imposition of discontent, such as excessive anger, onto others is conscious, this usually involves a deliberate choice to seek revenge. In this case, the one seeking revenge needs to seriously consider forgiveness for the sake of the other and the self. Hanging on to this deep anger can be harmful to both the other and oneself.
If I don’t feel like giving a gift to the one who offended me, does this mean I am failing in the forgiveness process?
No, it does not mean failure. It only means that you have not reached that part of the forgiveness process yet. If you have already done some of the work of forgiving, such as examining an accurate definition of forgiveness, seeing the other person as truly human despite the offense, and beginning to soften your heart toward this person, you definitely have been walking the path of forgiveness.
