Tagged: “Misconceptions”
IFI Researcher presents forgiveness intervention findings at recent New York conference
Dr. Nahlah Mandurah, who is a researcher at our International Forgiveness Institute, presented her forgiveness intervention research with post-divorced women in Saudi Arabia this October at the Association for Moral Education in New York:
Mandurah, N. & Enright, R.D. (2024, October 24). The effectiveness of a forgiveness intervention as a post-divorce program in Saudi Arabia. Paper presented at the Association for Moral Education annual meeting, Queens, New York.
My final question 10 out of 10: Different people have different views of what forgiveness is. Let them have the freedom to believe as they wish. How does that sound to you?
The Internet is a double-edged sword. It can enlighten and quickly, but at the same time, it can mislead. When I searched the Internet for the definition and some general issues on forgiveness, I was surprised by a rising consensus in up to 10 areas, each of which seems odd to me. May I ask you to consider each one of these “discoveries” so that you can help me to understand better? Thank you in advance for your time.
It sounds too relativistic to me. What if a person sees forgiveness as a form of punishing the offending person? Is this helpful to passively accept this without assisting the one who believes this to grow in a deeper understanding of what forgiveness is? If there is no objective definition of forgiveness, which can be expressed with nuances across different situations and cultures, then how could we ever do science on forgiveness? After all, it would be impossible to develop a standardized measure of forgiveness if everyone has a different view of what it is.
Question 9 of 10: Forgiveness might give the offending person an excuse to keep up with the unfairness. Therefore, forgiveness can be dangerous. What is your view on this one?
The Internet is a double-edged sword. It can enlighten and quickly, but at the same time, it can mislead. When I searched the Internet for the definition and some general issues on forgiveness, I was surprised by a rising consensus in up to 10 areas, each of which seems odd to me. May I ask you to consider each one of these “discoveries” so that you can help me to understand better? Thank you in advance for your time.
When people fail to make a distinction between forgiving and reconciling, this error is dangerous, not forgiveness itself. A person can forgive, by being good to the other even from a distance, but not reconcile. Here is one example: You might have a good word to say to others about the one who was unfair to you. Here is a second example: You could consider donating a little money to a charity that the other likes. These examples can be done as small acts of being good to the one who was not good to you without going back into a potentially harmful relationship.
Question 8 of 10: Forgiveness can be learned quickly. I see very often on the Internet these kinds of titles: Forgiveness in 4 steps; Learn to Forgive in Six Easy Lessons. Are these correct?
The Internet is a double-edged sword. It can enlighten and quickly, but at the same time, it can mislead. When I searched the Internet for the definition and some general issues on forgiveness, I was surprised by a rising consensus in up to 10 areas, each of which seems odd to me. May I ask you to consider each one of these “discoveries” so that you can help me to understand better? Thank you in advance for your time.
If the other’s injustice does not deeply emotionally hurt a person, then it is possible to forgive quickly. When deeply hurt by others, forgiving takes time. For example, when Dr. Suzanne Freedman (Freedman & Enright, 1996) worked with incest survivors, she asked them to tell her when they truly feel, inside them, that they have forgiven. On the average, it took about one year of one-on-one forgiveness sessions between Dr. Freedman and each participant before they forgave. To grow in the moral virtue of forgiveness takes time.
Freedman, S. R., & Enright, R. D. (1996). Forgiveness as an intervention goal with incest survivors. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 64(5), 983-992.
Question 7 of 10: Forgiveness is not a moral virtue but a skill of learning to stop reacting with negative passions. Is this correct?
The Internet is a double-edged sword. It can enlighten and quickly, but at the same time, it can mislead. When I searched the Internet for the definition and some general issues on forgiveness, I was surprised by a rising consensus in up to 10 areas, each of which seems odd to me. May I ask you to consider each one of these “discoveries” so that you can help me to understand better? Thank you in advance for your time.
If forgiveness were only a “skill,” then it suffers the same fate as “just moving on” or learning how to relax. These likely will not cure your resentment, be central in the possibility of a renewed relationship, or be of direct service to the one who hurt you. Forgiveness has a paradox connected to it. As you forgive and begin to have goodness toward the one who hurt you, then your inner healing from the resentment tends to begin.
