Tagged: “Misconceptions”

When I do a Google search for the psychology of forgiveness, often I see the definition of forgiving as the giving up of anger. What is your opinion of this definition?

I think it Is too narrow. A person can give up anger because the other who offended is seen as incorrigible and incapable of change. Such a harsh judgement might lower anger, but it is not in the spirit of forgiving because the other is being judged quite negatively. Also, as people forgive, they do not just reduce a negative emotion (such as anger) but also increase, toward the one who acted unjustly, in more positive thoughts, feelings, and even behaviors if the other is not a continuing danger.

In my forgiving my ex-partner, if I give him a physical gift of some kind, might he mistake this as a sign that I want to reconcile?  I actually do not want to reconcile, but your Process Model of Forgiveness suggests giving a gift, which kind of scares me.

You can give an indirect gift to your ex-partner, such as a kind word about him to others.  You could consider donating a little money to a charity on his behalf and not inform him of this.  In other words, you can give a gift that is not physical (in the case of a kind word to others) and not given directly to him.

A friend of mine was having trouble with his partner.  I recommended forgiveness.  He came back to me about a week later and said he now has forgiven her.  He said that he now has a “non-feeling” toward her and never wants to see her again.  How can I encourage him to deepen his view of forgiving and be more compassionate?

Non-feeling is better than rage or hatred, but as you are implying in your question, it is not going very far in terms of forgiving.  Compassion takes time to emerge and cannot be quickly changed at will.  If he can willingly practice seeing his partner as a true human being with inherent worth, and this stays with him, then compassion may slowly emerge.  Even if compassion emerges, he still may not want to reconcile if he mistrusts her in important ways.

I forgave my partner and I truly think that I did this right.  In other words, I have more gentle behaviors toward him, I see that he has worth as a person, and I have empathy toward him.  I proclaimed my forgiveness and he says that he accepted it.  Yet, he keeps being annoyed with me.  I thought that forgiving would be helpful to him, but so far it is not.  What now?

Your partner seems to have a pattern of behavior that needs to change.  It is possible that he actually is annoyed with someone or something else and he is taking this out on you.  I recommend that you sit down with him and explore other situations in his life, either occurring now, such as at work, or in the past, such as in his family of origin.  He may need to practice forgiving these other people to lower his anger so that he does not take it out on you.

I am a hospice worker and I am considering doing forgiveness education work with some of the patients who have family injustices, some of which happened years ago.  Have you ever done work like this in a hospice context?  What is your opinion of my starting such a program?

Yes, Dr. Mary Hansen and colleagues published a journal article in 2009 in which hospice patients forgave family members.  The results showed that they increased in their hope for the future as some of them drew family members to their bedside and reconciled prior to their passing.  Here is a link to that article:

Hansen, M.J., Enright. R.D., Baskin, T.W., & Klatt, J. (2009).  A palliative care intervention in forgiveness therapy for elderly terminally-ill cancer patients. Journal of Palliative Care, 25, 51-60.