Tagged: “Perseverance”
What do you do when you’ve done all you can?
I’d like to share something which greatly helped me on a day where the struggle to forgive was especially difficult.
To distract myself from my pain, I watched the Netflix show Voices of Fire. It’s a documentary about creating a culturally/racially/ethnically inclusive gospel choir.
I watched a man sing Donnie McClurkin’s “Stand” (see lyrics and song link below) and this helped me find the strength to continue my struggle against resentment.
Although I have been familiar with Gospel music, as a Caucasian/agnostic, I hadn’t felt it’s relevance. It turns out this was a missing piece to help fill my emotional skills gap in my pursuit of forgiveness.
When I begin to lose my grip on forgiveness, I can now listen to the song and it helps me maintain my strength in my struggle to forgive and seek justice. I hope it may be of help to others.
Thank you to Dr. Enright and the IFI for your work and your generosity toward us imperfect humans.
Ann K.
Editor’s Note: Ann lives on a farm outside Madison, Wisconsin USA. She spends her time “trying to find creative solutions to being a better version of my fallible self. My goal each week is to be the person you had fun with in the grocery store check-out line or who invited you to dance in a crosswalk.”
- Listen to the original rendition of Donnie McClurkin’s inspirational song “Stand”
- Here are the lyrics to “Stand”:
[Verse]
What do you do
when you’ve done all you can
And it seems like it’s never enough?
And what do you say
when your friends turn away,
and you’re all alone?
Tell me, what do you give
When you’ve given your all,
and it seems like
you can’t make it through?
[Hook 1]
Well you just stand
when there’s nothing left to do
you just stand
Watch the lord see you through
Yes after you done all you can,
You just stand
[Verse 2]
Tell me,
how do you handle the guilt of your past?
Tell me, how do you deal with the shame?
And how can you smile
while your heart has been broken
and filled with pain?
Tell me what do you give
when you’ve given your all
Seems like you can’t make it through?
[Hook 2]
Child you just stand,
when there’s nothing left to do
You just stand
Watch the Lord see you through
Yes, after you’ve done all you can
You just stand.
[Hook 3]
Stand and be sure
Be not entangled in that bondage again
You just stand, and endure.
God has a purpose.
Yes, God has a plan.
[Verse 3]
Tell me what do you do
when you’ve done all you can
And it seems like you can’t make it through
Child you just stand
You just stand
Stand ( 2x’s)
Don’t you dare give up (You Just)
Through the storm (Stand), Stand through the rain (Stand)
Through the hurt (Stand), jet through the pain (You just)
Don’t you bow (stand), and don’t bend (Stand)
Don’t give up (Stand) , no, don’t give in (You just)
Hold on, (Stand) just be strong (Stand)
God will step in (Stand), and it won’t be long (You just)
[Last Hook]
After you done all you can (After you done all you can)
After you done all you can (After you done all you can
After you gone through the hurt (After you done all you can)
After you gone through the pain (After you done all you can)
After you gone through the storm (After you done all you can)
After you gone through the rain (After you done all you can)
Prayed and cried (2x’s) (After you done all you can)
Prayed and you’ve cry(After you done all you can)
Prayed and cry
After you done all you can you just stand
Visit Donnie McClurkin’s website.
Can I truly reconcile with someone whom I do not trust?
Because trust is part of reconciliation, it is possible to come together again and then work on that trust. The other may have to earn back that trust a little at a time if the betrayal was deep. You can begin to trust when you see what I call the 3 Rs in the other: remorse (genuine inner sorrow seen in the other’s eyes), repentance (an apology that flows from the genuine inner sorrow) and recompense (truly trying to right the wrong). Please be patient as these three in the other may take some time and your trust may build slowly.
It is hard to see the other’s wounds when she wounded me a hundred times more than what she is carrying around. When I try to look at her wounds it makes me frustrated and sad because of all the wasted time and all the hurt created. Will I ever be able to overcome this?
Yes, I truly believe you will overcome this with a determined will. Sometimes we have to fight for our healing and endure with great patience, but never, ever give up. Do not expect too much too soon. The forgiveness journey is just that, a journey and a challenging one at times. Yet, with practice you lessen anger a little more and then a little more until you can see the progress. As you are able, please keep reaching out to the other person as best you can today. Your mercy given to others will come back to you.
Based on a response in 8 Keys to Forgiveness, Chapter 5.
Not Everyone Quickly Embraces Forgiveness
As we all know, a new idea can sometimes be difficult to introduce and advance. Here, for example, is the story behind Dr. Robert Enright’s very first attempt to help people in prison learn to forgive:
The year is 1985 and Dr. Enright has advanced to become a “full professor of educational psychology” at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. Fresh off a sabbatical leave during which he crystalized his ongoing forgiveness research strategy, the young professor learned about an organization that funded forward-looking scientific research projects so he submitted a proposal–one that would help imprisoned people learn to forgive.
Dr. Robert Enright, as a young University of Wisconsin-Madison Professor of Educational Psychology and founder of the International Forgiveness Institute (inset) along with a more-recent photo.
That proposal was, literally, his very first grant attempt in the science of forgiveness. Up to that point in the social sciences, there had been no journal articles ever published with an empirical emphasis on person-to-person forgiving. Dr. Enright was obviously a pioneer in that field.
The intake worker from the granting agency not only called Dr. Enright in for an interview but ended that interview by saying, “This is a great idea. I am going to rate your proposal as #1.” Thinking the grant business was going to be easier than he had thought, the applicant went back to his university office to await the inevitable check in the mail.
About a month later, Dr. Enright received a very nondescript rejection letter from the organization. Confused by the contradiction between high praise and quick rejection, he phoned the person who rated his project #1 and asked why the grant was rejected.
“Professor Enright,” the interviewer answered with disdain, “you embarrassed me! I went into the funding meeting with enthusiasm for your work but the rest of the group was incredulous and said, ‘Give Enright money to help prisoners forgive?? Why, they should be asking forgiveness from us!! Proposal rejected!!'”
While rejections obviously hurt, Dr. Enright did not give up. He fine-tuned his proposals and spent more time analyzing potential funding organizations. Since that first refusal, he has successfully generated significant dollars for his scientific research projects on forgiveness and forgiveness therapy that he has conducted in venues around the world.
Five years ago—30 years after this initial rejection—-he was approached by counselors at a men’s maximum security prison. They asked him if it might be a good idea to start a forgiveness therapy program to assist the imprisoned men to forgive those who had hurt them when they were children or adolescents.
“That sounds like a pretty good idea to me,” Dr. Enright replied, as he smiled to himself………. It only took three decades for people to catch up with the idea that learning to forgive may be an important next-step in correctional rehabilitation. That conversation now has started forgiveness therapy research programs in correctional institutions within the United States with plans to expand into Brazil, Pakistan, and possibly Israel.
Moral of the story: Sometimes good ideas are worth a 30-year wait.
I have started to forgive, but sometimes my anger gets the better of me. I get so angry that I lose focus. What would you recommend?
I would recommend first being aware of the increase in your anger and the degree to which this is happening. Then I would reflect on how the anger itself is compromising you and your health in particular. This can be a motivation to exercise your strong will to continue forgiving. As you continue to persevere in forgiving, then the anger will not be controlling you, but you will be in control of your anger.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
