Tagged: “reconciliation”

How can one go about convincing someone that reconciliation is not a sacrifice but instead is a benefit?

When hurt deeply by others, a person can be afraid to reconcile because of a betrayal of trust. Trust takes time to re-establish. Starting the reconciliation process requires the moral virtue of courage. So, at first the one who is afraid may very well see the process of reconciliation as a sacrifice. Yet, with time, there can be surprising and delightful benefits of trying the reconciliation process primarily because love can be re-established between two people. Thus, the key is to ask the person to see beyond the first few weeks or the first few months of the reconciliation process to see the potential fruit of the reunion.

Can you comment on giving a gift to someone whom you choose to not have any further contact with?

There seem to be two questions here: 1) Should I consider giving a gift to someone with whom I choose not to have any further contact; and, 2) How can I give such a gift?  Here is my answer to the “should” question: Forgiveness is about giving, even to those with whom you are angry and estranged. This is part of the paradox of forgiving: As you reach out in goodness to those who were not good to you, then you experience psychological healing. Therefore, it is morally appropriate and psychologically prudent to consider giving a gift, if you choose to forgive. The second question, regarding how it is even possible to give a gift to someone whom you will not see again is this: You can contribute to a charity in the person’s name. You can pray for the person if you have a religious belief.  You even can say a kind word about the person to someone else.

In your experience, when do children begin to truly forgive parents who have behaved very badly?

In my experience, people tend to start forgiving parents once the children are emerging into adulthood and are beginning to leave home or have left home. Before that, the child is both very dependent on the parents for basic needs and, when young, does not necessarily have the cognitive insight regarding how deeply unjust the parental behavior is. The young adult can be shocked at the depth of anger and at the seriousness of the parental injustice when looking back. Because of this, the struggle to forgive can take time, but definitely is well worth it. The forgiving might lead to a genuine reconciliation with the parent, if the parent also wishes to reconcile, which, in my experience, most parents want.

I so do not want to admit this, but I have no trust at all for my ex-partner. She is constantly accusing me of things I have not done. She wants to reconcile. Can there be genuine reconciliation without trust?

Genuine reconciliation requires trust by both people. Yet, that trust can come slowly, taking time. So, you can get together even without full trust, but the true reconciliation will require that trust to eventually be established. I recently did a blog on Psychology Today’s website centered on this question of reconciling with an ex-partner. You can find that essay here: 6 Things to Consider Before Reconciling with an Ex.

It is very hard for me to act in a civil way with my roommate when I am angry.  I am practicing forgiving, but I still can have a sharp tongue.  Can you offer some suggestions for me?

Forgiving can begin with your thinking about the other person. Still there can be some anger left over. The keys are these: a) know you are still angry; b) use your strong will to resist harsh words that result from the feeling of anger; c) give yourself time to calm down; and d) you might want to practice forgiving your roommate for the new incident that sparked the new anger in you.