Tagged: “reconciliation”
I so do not want to admit this, but I have no trust at all for my ex-partner. She is constantly accusing me of things I have not done. She wants to reconcile. Can there be genuine reconciliation without trust?
Genuine reconciliation requires trust by both people. Yet, that trust can come slowly, taking time. So, you can get together even without full trust, but the true reconciliation will require that trust to eventually be established. I recently did a blog on Psychology Today’s website centered on this question of reconciling with an ex-partner. You can find that essay here: 6 Things to Consider Before Reconciling with an Ex.
It is very hard for me to act in a civil way with my roommate when I am angry. I am practicing forgiving, but I still can have a sharp tongue. Can you offer some suggestions for me?
Forgiving can begin with your thinking about the other person. Still there can be some anger left over. The keys are these: a) know you are still angry; b) use your strong will to resist harsh words that result from the feeling of anger; c) give yourself time to calm down; and d) you might want to practice forgiving your roommate for the new incident that sparked the new anger in you.
How can I forgive in extreme cases?
Something was done to you, your family or friends. The experience is so serious that the pain associated with it does not seem to end. Do you hope that the culprit will be punished and wish him a dark future? You cannot forgive him for the deed, then you suffer too much for it? But is this attitude beneficial for you and your mental health?
“Forgive me!” Is a sentence that many people find difficult to say. The person forgives you and you experience grace? Okay, then you’ll feel better. But what does it actually mean to forgive? And isn’t an excuse basically the same? Doesn’t there have to be an apology first so that it can be given? Everyone can apologize if they wish. You want to get rid of the accusation of guilt. However, those who apologize must wait if the request will be accepted. This means that the apology will not take effect until it is accepted. For this reason, the formulations are usually designed in such a way that they also require an answer. “I’m sorry. Do you accept my apology?” would be a possible variant.
Forgiveness is possible without an excuse
However, forgiveness does not depend on the offender who asks for relief. Forgiveness is a mental inner process that is decided by the person concerned. Forgiving someone does not have to be said. This way you can forgive someone without the perpetrator even knowing. The forgiveness is essentially a decision by the victim to whom the damage has been done. In general, forgiveness seems to symbolize greater acceptance of debt relief. Because forgiveness is preceded by the fact that the person concerned has worked intensively with this intention. And this form of forgiveness can also be done without prior excuse. However, excuses are also accepted to ensure peace. This is particularly the case with family matters. Apologies are accepted, although you don’t really want to accept this decision. In this case, family problems have a higher priority. Even in relationships, apologies are sometimes accepted half-heartedly. Maintaining the partnership is then more important.
But sometimes it seems impossible to forgive the guilty. Why is that? The pain that the person has experienced wants to be compensated. So the culprit should suffer just like you. He should live with his guilty conscience and suffer from it. The guilty person’s wish to be relieved of this burden is rejected. So it’s also a form of punishment that goes with it.
Unforgivability and the mental consequences
Many people believe that it is right not to forgive. In a sense, it’s also a form of vigilante justice. But many don’t know what it means to hold on to anger, resentment and hatred. You will never be able to get rid of it if you cannot forgive. Even years after the event, you still carry these negative vibrations with you. Some people harden mentally. You lose vitality and lightness. If you don’t forgive, you end up hurting yourself.
Extreme cases of revenge and forgiveness
In extreme cases, it is not enough to decide never to forgive the culprit. The emotional injury and pain is so great that feelings of revenge arise. And in some cases the revenge is actually implemented. Apparently one believes that with this act one experiences a relief of the pain.
Marianne Bachmeier
The Bachmeier case is an example of this. In 1981 Marianne Bachmeier shoots the alleged murderer of her seven-year-old daughter Anna in the courtroom. The case went down in history as a prime example of vigilante justice. We can now ask ourselves whether Ms. Bachmeier has become happy. Did the pain of losing her daughter disappear after she shot the perpetrator? We’ll leave the answer open. The fact is that Marianne Bachmeier died of cancer in 1996.
Dianne B. Collard
The opposite example is Dianne B. Collard, whose son was shot in 1992. The American woman renounced revenge and forgave the murderer. In an interview, she announced that forgiveness is an inner healing for her. She got rid of the bitterness and could finally mourn her son. She explained that forgiveness is not a feeling for her, but a decision of the will. She deliberately chose to suppress resentment and bitterness. She has probably found that this approach is helpful for her future quality of life. Faith helped her choose forgiveness and revenge.
Both examples are very interesting and probably anyone with children can understand the strength of such decisions.
Forgiveness does not erase the deed
Many people believe that forgiveness is viewed as reversed or relativized. But that’s not what forgiveness is about. It is not possible to deny something that has taken place. Forgiveness means that you agree to remove your resentment, hatred, or anger. This can sometimes lead to misunderstandings when a former friend is forgiven. He believes that with this forgiveness the friendly level is active again. However, this is not always the case and sometimes not possible. If a breach of trust triggers a forgiven argument, a new friendship (reconciliation) can be difficult.
Forgiveness does not automatically create trust. And the question arises whether this is still desirable. Because those who have had such experiences can banish the perpetrator from their own lives. Because the fear that such a scenario will repeat itself is predominant.
Dianne B. Collard also forgave the perpetrator, but will probably never be able to make friends with him. The severity of the emotional injury is too great to be overcome. Dianne B. Collard also believes that the punishment the perpetrator has to serve in prison is correct. Because the act of forgiveness is a mental process and does not mean that the act is declared null and void.
Forgive yourself
Forgiving other people can be a mental process that is not necessarily easy. But forgiving yourself is the master class in forgiveness. Remorse and guilt that gnaw at you prevent you from forgiving yourself. You are disappointed in yourself, so you punish yourself with it. This phenomenon occurs particularly often when a loved one has died. Immediately you ask yourself what you could have done differently to avoid the death. Even if your reasoning seems so absurd, you take on a form of guilt. It seems mentally better to endure declaring a guilty person than accepting an inevitable fate. If no one else is found, you look for the blame on yourself. It is extremely important to forgive yourself. You admit that you are a person who makes mistakes.
Persistent guilt doesn’t change the situation. For you, this means that you carry a constant burden around me. At the same time, you always face this negative vibration of your own guilt. Compassion for yourself is then practically eliminated. At such a stage, you should make sure that the condition does not degenerate into self-loathing. However, if you regret what happened and plan to do something different in the future, you are free internally. This sets you in motion bitterness, inner hardness and a self-directed attitude.
About the Author:
The author El Maya is a spiritual medium, clairvoyant and karma expert. She has published several books about soul, life plan, karma and life after death. This guide literature contains strategies to reduce your karma and find the soul center. Learn more at her website: Hellseher – Wahrsager und Karma Experten @Knowing Portal.
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Can I truly reconcile with someone whom I do not trust?
Because trust is part of reconciliation, it is possible to come together again and then work on that trust. The other may have to earn back that trust a little at a time if the betrayal was deep. You can begin to trust when you see what I call the 3 Rs in the other: remorse (genuine inner sorrow seen in the other’s eyes), repentance (an apology that flows from the genuine inner sorrow) and recompense (truly trying to right the wrong). Please be patient as these three in the other may take some time and your trust may build slowly.
Can I truly forgive without reconciling with a person?
Yes. To forgive is not necessarily to reconcile although this is one of the goals of forgiving. Yet, reconciliation is not within only your power to grant. Reconciliation is a negotiation strategy between two or more people who come together again in mutual trust. If the other continues behaviors that are hurtful and if the person does not seem interested in changing those behaviors, then you can forgive but not reconcile, at least until the other shows signs of changing and is more trustworthy.
