Tagged: “reconciliation”

My friend and I got into an argument.  We both exchanged words and we are not talking.  What should I do now: wait, tell her that I forgive her, or apologize?

If the initial anger has quieted, then I recommend the humble approach by gently offering an apology.  Often, a sincere offer of apology helps the other to forgive.  From a philosophical perspective, one can forgive unconditionally without an apology, but the apology does help.

For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.

I am somewhat convinced that if a particular person leaves my life, then he will not be hurting my family or me any more.  Am I correct in thinking this way, or should I forgive anyway?

Forgiveness need not be reserved only for the times in which you feel deep resentment which might be making you miserable.  At times, you might want to forgive simply because forgiveness is centered in goodness because it is a moral virtue.  In this latter case, you are forgiving because forgiveness is an end in and of itself.  Regarding this issue of deep resentment, it can stay with us even when people physically move away from us.  They still remain in the heart and the heart can be restless until the offended person forgives.  So, even if the one who hurt you leaves, you can forgive because: a) forgiveness is good in and of itself and b) you might still be resentful and want to be free of that.

For additional information, see Do I Have to Reconcile with the Other When I Forgive?

I am forgiving my husband for some really inappropriate behavior.  Even so, I cannot say that I feel any sense of freedom from all of my effort.  Does this mean that I have not forgiven?

We do not necessarily reach complete feelings of freedom upon forgiving because we sometimes have anger left over.  As long as the anger is not controlling you, and as long as you are not displacing that anger back onto your husband, then you very well may be forgiving or at least in the process of moving toward forgiving.  Has he altered the behavior that you say is inappropriate?  Sometimes there is the unfinished business of seeking justice toward a full reconciliation.  You might need to talk with him about the behavior and if he willingly changes, then this may help with your sense of freedom.

Learn more at Forgiveness for Couples.

Can forgiveness restore a person’s sense of hope for a better future?

Yes, this can happen and here is one example.  A study by Hansen and Enright (2009) was done with elderly women in hospice.  Each had about 6 months to live. We screened the participants so that each of them had been hurt deeply in the past by a family member and each participant still was not forgiving.  This was our shortest forgiveness intervention ever, 4 weeks.  It was short because the life-span expectancy was short for each of the courageous women who volunteered for the study.  At the end of the study, those who had the forgiveness intervention increased statistically significantly in forgiveness toward the family member(s) and in hope for the future.  Some of the participants called their family to their bedside and talked about forgiveness and reconciliation in the family.  Why did hope increase significantly?  I think this occurred because the participants now knew that they were leaving their family in a much better position, a place of forgiveness and harmony.

Here is the reference to that research:

Hansen, M.J., Enright. R.D., Baskin, T.W., & Klatt, J. (2009).  A palliative care intervention in forgiveness therapy for elderly terminally-ill cancer patients. Journal of Palliative Care, 25, 51-60. Click here to read the full study.

The late Lewis Smedes has this quotation that confuses me: “Forgiveness offers the best hope of creating a new fairness out of past unfairness.” I am confused because I realize that as we forgive, we might not get justice from the other person. I need help on this one.

I think that Dr. Smedes meant this: When we forgive, often times the injustice comes from someone with whom we have been in a relationship (a family member, a business colleague, for example). The fact that we have to forgive means that there was an injustice that could strain a relationship. As we forgive, we become open to receiving that other person back into our lives. This does not mean that we will receive an apology and a new, trusting relationship (because our forgiving does not automatically mean that the other will now be fair). Yet, forgiving does make us open to this possibility of the other accepting our forgiving and thus becoming more fair. I think the key to understanding Professor Smedes’ sentence is his word “hope.” As we forgive, we are open to the other’s changing. We wait in hope for that change.

For additional information, see Why would fairness be given to someone who has been constantly unfair to me over the years?