Tagged: “reconciliation”
When I forgive my husband for his forgetfulness (he forgets to bring in the mail, he forgets to help with the dishes, and other annoying issues), it only seems to encourage his behavior that gets to me. It is as if my forgiving is the ticket for him to keep it up. Can you help me with this?
Yes, I think I can offer some possible insights. I am guessing that your husband is interpreting your act of mercy in forgiveness as permission to keep everything as it currently is. When we forgive, we should consider bringing the moral virtue of justice alongside the moral virtue of forgiveness. When you forgive and your anger diminishes, then might be the time to gently bring up the theme of justice: How can he be fair to you, to share the load? This may get his attention and also send the message that forgiveness also is tough-minded enough to gently ask for fairness.
Learn more at Forgiveness for Couples.
Can you give me one major tip for helping a friend to consider forgiving a family member with whom he used to be very close?
As one tip, I would ask this: Suppose you do not forgive this person. Further suppose that you meet this person 20 years from now. How will you feel then if you continue to harbor resentment? Now consider that you may forgive the person…….and you meet 20 years from now. How will you feel then, having forgiven? The contrast between the answers to these two questions might motivate your friend to consider forgiving sooner rather than later.
For additional information, see 8 Reasons to Forgive.
My friend and I got into an argument. We both exchanged words and we are not talking. What should I do now: wait, tell her that I forgive her, or apologize?
If the initial anger has quieted, then I recommend the humble approach by gently offering an apology. Often, a sincere offer of apology helps the other to forgive. From a philosophical perspective, one can forgive unconditionally without an apology, but the apology does help.
For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.
I am somewhat convinced that if a particular person leaves my life, then he will not be hurting my family or me any more. Am I correct in thinking this way, or should I forgive anyway?
Forgiveness need not be reserved only for the times in which you feel deep resentment which might be making you miserable. At times, you might want to forgive simply because forgiveness is centered in goodness because it is a moral virtue. In this latter case, you are forgiving because forgiveness is an end in and of itself. Regarding this issue of deep resentment, it can stay with us even when people physically move away from us. They still remain in the heart and the heart can be restless until the offended person forgives. So, even if the one who hurt you leaves, you can forgive because: a) forgiveness is good in and of itself and b) you might still be resentful and want to be free of that.
For additional information, see Do I Have to Reconcile with the Other When I Forgive?
I am forgiving my husband for some really inappropriate behavior. Even so, I cannot say that I feel any sense of freedom from all of my effort. Does this mean that I have not forgiven?
We do not necessarily reach complete feelings of freedom upon forgiving because we sometimes have anger left over. As long as the anger is not controlling you, and as long as you are not displacing that anger back onto your husband, then you very well may be forgiving or at least in the process of moving toward forgiving. Has he altered the behavior that you say is inappropriate? Sometimes there is the unfinished business of seeking justice toward a full reconciliation. You might need to talk with him about the behavior and if he willingly changes, then this may help with your sense of freedom.
Learn more at Forgiveness for Couples.