I have forgiven someone who betrayed me and hurt me deeply. My attitude toward the person now is good. Yet, I have fear of this person. What else can I do to move more deeply in forgiveness?
It seems to me that the issue now is not so much forgiveness as it is reconciliation. Your fear likely is the result of a lack of trust toward the person because of the betrayal. Reconciliation has to be earned. Have you talked with the person and has this person understood the offense and now is willing to change? You need to build some confidence in this person’s behavior and this will come if the person begins to behave in a way as to earn your trust.
Learn more at What Forgiveness Is Not.
When I forgive my former boyfriend, I find that I tend to make excuses for his behavior. I don’t like it when I see that I am making excuses. How do I avoid this?
There is a big difference between what we call **reframing** a person’s actions and excusing those actions. For example, if you see that he was under pressure and displaced his anger onto you, you can forgive while at the same time acknowledging that he should not have treated you this way. An excuse is to say that displacing anger is ok, acceptable, or not morally wrong. When you forgive and start to reframe whom the other person is, try to keep in mind that the behavior still is not fair. Your separating a person and his actions may help you to avoid excusing the actions as you forgive the person.
Learn more at How to Forgive.
Can a person get rid of anger permanently simply by letting it out or is forgiveness necessary to be rid of anger?
The answer depends on the level of injustice and the depth of the anger. If the other was insensitive without being cruel, then your expressing an appropriate, measured level of anger may take care of the issue. On the other hand, if you have been treated very unfairly and your anger is deep, then catharsis (letting out the anger) may not be effective. Forgiveness then may be required to rid yourself of the anger. Please keep in mind that catharsis by itself, when the problem is serious and the anger is deep, actually can increase the anger and lead to a pattern of being angry and expressing it. Catharsis then needs forgiveness to deal in a healthy way with the anger.
Learn more at How to Forgive.
My spouse keeps up subtle put-downs on me. I forgive….and forgive again….and it keeps happening. I am growing weary of forgiving. Help!
When you forgive, try also to ask for fairness once your anger is lower. Forgiveness and justice need to exist side-by-side. From a position of reduced anger, consider letting your spouse know of your inner hurt from these “subtle put-downs.” Your spouse needs to hear this so that a change in behavior can occur, and perhaps an asking-for-forgiveness from you.
Learn more at Forgiveness for Couples.
What Is the Difference Between Acceptance and Forgiveness?
“Why not just accept what happened to you?” is a question I have heard many times. When a person is encouraged to accept what happened, this may or may not include forgiveness. Forgiveness and acceptance are different.
When one accepts what happened, this is a kind of surrender in a positive sense. It is not a caving in to problems or acquiescing to unjust actions from others. Acceptance is knowing that the world is imperfect and that bad things can happen. To accept is to stop fighting against what already happened. To accept is to resign oneself to the fact that the past event was unpleasant, but now we are in the present, away from that event.
Forgiveness, in contrast, is to offer goodness to those who have created the past unpleasant or decidedly unjust event. Forgiveness is an active reaching out to the other in the hope that the two might reconcile, although actual reconciliation may not occur.
A forgiver still can accept what happened, but not then be passive regarding the other person. The forgiver actively struggles to get rid of resentment and to offer kindness, respect, generosity, and/or love to the other person.
While acceptance can help us adjust to adversity, it, by itself, often is not sufficient to extinguish a lingering resentment toward others. Forgiveness is the active process for this.
Forgiveness and acceptance: They can work together, but they should not be equated as synonymous.