Tagged: “resentment”

The Good Old School Days

OK, everyone, it is time to reflect on those good old school days of yore, those care-free days when everyone thought we did not have a care in the world. Yet, sometimes we carry burdens from those days and we do so in the silence of our own hearts. When was the last time that you, as an adult, had a discussion about your days in elementary, middle, or high school? When was the last time you had such a discussion with an emphasis on the emotional wounds you received back then? I am guessing that such discussion-times have been quite rare.

I wonder how many of you reading this still have some unresolved issues from the good-old-days. It is in school, within the peer group, at recess, on the sports team that our current sense of self is shaped, at least to a degree. Sometimes we are influenced by those days to a greater extent than we realize.

So, it is time for a little quiz. Please think about your days in school and see if you can identify one person who was unjust to you, so unjust that when you think about the person now, it hurts. This person is a candidate for your forgiveness. I have an important question for you: How has this person inadvertently influenced your own view of yourself? How has this person’s actions made you feel less than who you really are? Do you see that it is time to change that?

My challenge to you today is to take steps to forgive the person for those behaviors long ago that have influenced you up to this very moment. It is time to take a better look at what happened, to forgive, and then to ask the question after you forgive: Who am I now as I admit to the injustice, admit to it negatively influencing how I have seen myself all these years, and who am I now as I stand in forgiveness?

Perhaps the good old days will seem a little brighter once you forgive. You will have lifted a silent burden.

Robert

You tend to de-couple forgiving and reconciling, but to me both forgiving and reconciling are more of a complete package than one or the other.  What do you think?

Yes, if a person can forgive and then reconcile with the other, this is more complete in terms of the relationship than forgiving alone. Yet sometimes we have no choice but to only forgive because the other refuses to change hurtful behavior.  So, being able to forgive and to reconcile constitute a more ideal situation, but forgiving by itself still is very important because this forgiving can set you free from resentment, which could last for the rest of your life.

What if, when I forgive, I am not as happy as I was before the person treated me unfairly.  Then might it be the case that I have not actually forgiven?

When we are treated unfairly by others we sometimes lose something, such as a relationship or we leave our job.  This can lead to unhappiness in the short-term.  This unhappiness does not mean that you are unforgiving.  It means that you have a difficult situation to confront.  The unhappiness in this case is not because of unforgiveness.  Your forgiveness, even if it is to a small degree right now, may help you achieve happiness in the future as you adjust to the new situation.

Can you suggest at least one very effective way to motivate a person to start the forgiveness process?

I find that a person’s internal, emotional pain is a strong motivator to at lease consider forgiveness as a healing strategy.  If the person has tried many different approaches, and none of them has led to significant relief, then a person often is ready to give forgiveness a try.

I have post-traumatic stress.  Is it better to treat the symptoms, such as sleeplessness, first or to forgive first?

The answer depends on the symptoms of the post-traumatic stress.  Because you have sleep challenges, these should be addressed first.  If, instead, another person has some anger or sadness and these are not impinging on the person’s everyday life, then forgiving first can lessen these symptoms.  The regulation of symptoms and forgiving can complement one another.  For example, once your sleep pattern is regulated, your forgiving may help in establishing a regular sleep cycle.  As the sleep cycle regulates, you may have more energy and focus to forgive well.