Tagged: “resentment”

How do I forgive my husband, daughter, and future son-in-law for treating me so horribly during this past year planning my daughter’s wedding and they didn’t want any of my suggestions?  They just wanted our $45,000 and basically decided now not to have any type of reception, just keep the money for a house and have no celebration with my family or my husband’s family. She’s our only daughter and my husband gave her all this money behind my back without consulting me. She will be married on Saturday in a civil ceremony with a gathering at the in-laws apartment.

I have some questions for you:

1) Would you be willing to commit to doing no harm to your husband, your daughter, and your new son-in-law even in the context of your having the opportunity to somehow hurt them?  If you answered, “Yes, I will commit to doing no harm,” then you are on the forgiveness journey.  This is a big step in the process;

2) Have you tried to see each of their weaknesses, their confusions, their wounds that may have wounded you?  If not, perhaps you need to do some of this cognitive work, to see them in a wider perspective than only their injuries toward you;

3)  Do you think that your will is strong enough to do the work outlined in #1 and 2 above?  If so, that work could lead to your forgiving if you give this time.

So, what do you think?  Have you found your way onto the path of forgiveness?  Let me know and I will do all that I can to help you onto the forgiveness path.

As one further resource which may be helpful to you, here is my latest blog at Psychology Today.  The theme centers on being betrayed by others:

Have You Been Betrayed? 5 Suggestions for You.

Why do you use stories when teaching children to forgive?

We deliberately use stories so that the child or adolescent is placed into a safe environment. It is not the student, then, who first has to confront wrongdoing. The student gets to quietly observe others who experience injustices and find a way to work out of the pain by forgiving. The story characters, then, serve as role-models in a non-threatening context. Once the students learn what forgiveness is (and is not) and see how story characters forgive, and the consequences of doing so, then they might be interested in trying to forgive. It is their choice.

How is it possible, given your experience, for someone to forgive those who have done horrible things (such as genocide)?

I do not expect people to readily want to forgive those who have done horrible things. Some people say that once such horrible acts occur, then forgiveness is never possible. Yet, there are those who have forgiven people for such atrocities. It is a matter of public record: Corrie Ten Boom in her book, The Hiding Place, is just one example as she forgave Nazis for killing her family members.

I use the term “forgivingly fit” to describe how it is possible for people to forgive where others would never even consider it. As people continually practice forgiveness in the little things of life, they build up an insight and a practice of forgiving that helps them when tragedy strikes. This does not at all mean that those who refuse to forgive in these contexts are bad people, not at all. We all have a choice of forgiving or not and to refuse should not lead to other people condemning them for this.

For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.

Do you think that the root cause of any person’s persistent anger, pessimism, and bitterness is unforgiveness?

I would not say that the root cause is unforgiveness. The root cause is deeply unfair treatment by others, acts of injustice. I would say that as people fail to find a solution to their initial shock and anger, then unforgiveness eventually does play a part in a person continuing to live with deep anger, pessimism, and bitterness. Forgiveness offers a way out of these consequences of being treated deeply unfairly.

For additional information, see 8 Reasons to Forgive.

“FORGIVENESS IS A HEALING PROCESS. . .”

This quote is from The Gate of Light, a 2018-book by Lars Muhl, a Danish writer, mystic and musician. After years as a successful singer-songwriter in Denmark, Muhl began his self-studies of comparative religion, esoteric knowledge and philosophy and since 1988 he has focused on Aramaic, Christian and Jewish mysticism. He has written numerous books on these subjects and hosts workshops and lectures in Denmark and around the world.

Both the quote and the book were referred to the International Forgiveness Institute (IFI) by Ivy Huang, a writer and mystic in Vancouver, BC, Canada. Ivy is a long-time financial supporter of the IFI who donates through a PayPal monthly recurring payment. Ivy says she discovered the IFI while researching the etymology (origin) of the word ‘immunity’ which roughly translates to ‘forgiveness of disease’ in Sanskrit.

“Forgiveness–the release of unresolved memories and emotions–can lead to not only greater psychological well-being, but also physical benefits,” Ivy says. “On a grander scale, I believe that forgiveness can grant us collective peace.”

Like Ivy, you too can help make a difference in the world by supporting the IFI’s Forgiveness  Education Programs for grade school students now operating in the U.S. and more than 30 countries around the world. Click the DONATE button to take a stand and SEND YOUR GIFT OF LOVE.