Tagged: “resentment”

I have done the exercise for your Process Model and I see the stresses that the person was under. Still, this does little for my anger. Yes, I see a wounded and even a weak person, but I still want to punch him for what he did to me. What can you suggest to me so that I am not living with this resentment?

Doing the exercises is not an automatic way out of resentment. It will take time for the resentment to end. I recommend homework for you on a daily basis. Here is that homework: At least twice a day for the next two weeks, please go over the tasks in this exercise, trying to see the person more clearly at the time of the injury. Say to yourself, “I forgive (name) for hurting me at that time when this person was under stress. I will try to be merciful even though I did not receive either justice or mercy.”

Based on a response in 8 Keys to Forgiveness, Chapter 5.

Is it selfish to forgive? After all, I do it to feel better. I do it for me.

There is a difference between what forgiveness is and why we do it.  To forgive, by definition, is to be good to those who are not good to you.  This is not a focus on the self, but on the other.  If your motivation is to feel better, this is reasonable, especially if you are experiencing inner discomfort because of ongoing resentment.  Thus, what forgiveness is and your current motivation can differ.  One (the forgiving) is centered on the other.  Your motivation is centered on your own healing. Neither of these is selfish.  As a final point, not all motivations to forgive are centered on self-healing. For example, a person might be motivated to forgive for the sake of the one who offended.

It seems to me that anger is not always a bad thing. Can’t people be energized by their anger, focus, and attain fairness?

Yes, anger can be part of the motivation for achieving good. Yet, we have to make a distinction between anger within reasonable bounds (the emotion does not disable us, is not extreme) and anger that turns to resentment (a long-lasting and intensive anger that can lead to fatigue, distraction, and even physical complications). If we do not make this distinction, we could slip into resentment and conclude that it is good rather than dangerous in the long-term.

Can being angry have positive consequences?

Yes, if the anger is short-lived and is a call to action to right a wrong.  My worry, as spelled out in the book, Forgiveness Therapy, with Dr. Fitzgibbons, is anger that becomes prolonged (months or years) and intense.  This can lead to a host of psychological compromises.  We need to make the distinction between healthy and unhealthy anger.

For additional information, see How do I know if my anger is healthy or unhealthy?

I read your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, and it became a revelation to me just how angry I have been toward my mother when I was growing up.  Is this common, to be angry, to be aware of the anger, but not have a clue about the depth of that anger?

Yes, it is common because of the psychological defense mechanisms of denial, suppression, and repression.  These defenses are not problematic if they keep unpleasant issues from us when we are not ready for the full brunt of those issues.  The defenses can get in the way of emotional healing when they prevent us from seeing the truth: I have been treated unfairly and I am angry about this.  So, in the short run, the psychological defenses can protect us from being overwhelmed.  In the long-run, slowly becoming aware of the depth of anger is a first step to healing from the effects of serious injustices.

For additional information, see How do I know if my anger is healthy or unhealthy?