Tagged: “resentment”
Forgiving for me is a struggle, but I can accomplish it. My issue is with reconciliation, which I am finding very awkward with one particular person. Can reconciliation ever be truly accomplished after a brutal betrayal?
Congratulations on forgiving in the face of a “brutal betrayal.” This is not at all easy to accomplish. Regarding reconciliation, your struggle may be centered on the theme of trust. How trustworthy is the person whom you have forgiven? If you are not able to establish trust, at least not yet, this may be the cause of your struggle. Try to get a sense of whether or not the other is sorry for the injustice, uses words that suggest sincerity of repentance to you, and shows behavior that is consistent with the inner sorrow and words of repentance.
For additional information, see Do I Have to Reconcile with the Other When I Forgive?
I don’t need to forgive. I have put the person out of my life. I have moved on. That person can have a miserable life now as far as I am concerned. In fact, this person would deserve misery. I don’t really have a question, just this statement that one simply can move on without forgiving.
Thank you for your note. While “moving on” certainly is possible when the injustice is not serious, I have found that people have a very hard time “just moving on” when deeply hurt by others. In your case, may I challenge you a bit? I do not think that you are “moving on” without resentment in your heart toward the person. I say this because of your statement, “In fact, this person would deserve misery.” This suggests to me that you still are angry. This kind of anger can stay with a person for a very long time. “Moving on” is not a cure for such anger. Forgiveness, on the other hand, is a cure for it. If and when you are ready to consider forgiveness in this case, your forgiving the person may help you reduce this feeling of resentment.
For additional information, see The Personal, Global, and Cosmic Perspectives.
I was hurt in a 5-year relationship and now I am hesitant to get into any other relationship. Does this lack of courage on my part suggest that I have not forgiven the one who hurt me?
The issue here seems to be one of a lack of trust. You may or may not have forgiven the one with whom you were in a relationship for the 5 years. Even if you have completely forgiven, you still may lack trust and this is not a sign of unforgiveness. It is a sign that you know hurt is possible when you commit to others. Forgiveness can help with taking the risk and at the same time your using common sense in the new relationship, along with sincere acts of trustworthiness by the other, should help to slowly create a trust with the new person.
Learn more at Forgiveness for Couples.
What would you say to someone who is too stubborn to feel compassion toward the one who hurt him/her?
We would say this, “Your feeling compassion may take time. So, your feeling today that you do not want or need compassion is not necessarily your final word on the matter. If you refuse to examine at all the possibility of developing compassion, even over time, then you have to be careful that your own anger does not end up hurting you.”
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
I am finding no excuses for what my husband has done to me. When I try to forgive, it is very difficult for me to cultivate any sense of empathy toward him. What would you suggest to help me forgive?
You need not find any excuses for your husband’s behavior if you are to forgive him. Forgiveness is not based on finding excuses, but instead is based on seeing his worth, not because of what he did, but in spite of this. Further, try to see his inner world. Is he wounded in any way? Confused? Do you see a human being rather than someone who is less than human? These kinds of perspectives can increase empathy and foster forgiveness.
Learn more at Forgiveness for Couples.
