Tagged: “resentment”
Why is it anger in particular that can be so damaging to a person, compared with other emotions?
It is not anger per se that can be so damaging to a person, but the kind of anger that is deep and abiding for many months and years. This kind of anger can put one on alert so that the body does not rest. Muscle tightness, headaches, raised blood pressure, and fatigue can all lead to a changed life-style and a change in mood and emotions. When one feels constantly challenged, one can begin to feel unsafe and so anxiety can emerge. The physical challenges can lead to a loss of hope which can lead to depression. The good news is that forgiveness therapy can reduce the toxic anger so that it is no longer injurious to the person.
For additional information, see How do I know if my anger is healthy or unhealthy?
What does science say is the most difficult unit of your Forgiveness Process Model of 20 steps?
We first have to keep in mind that the science basically is looking for generalities or that which is typical. So often, this quest for the normal or typical overlooks the individually personal characteristics of many people. With that said, we tend to find that many people say the initial decision to forgive, to commit to the forgiveness process, is the most difficult unit of the Forgiveness Process Model. I think this might be the case because change or transition can be scary. If you think about it, moving to a new city or starting a new job or starting a new exercise program as you walk through the gym doors for the first time can be a challenge. Starting on a forgiveness path represents hard work and unknown challenges. I think this is why many people say that this is the hardest part of the forgiveness process.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
I’m not buying forgiveness. Someone was really, really rude to me recently. Forget this person! As I forget, I have no need of forgiveness. Anyway, forgiveness is more of an illusion than anything else. When we forgive we artificially convince ourselves that what the other did was not so bad. This is not for me.
First, I am sorry that you have been treated very badly. Your anger is typical for those recently and deeply hurt. We never put pressure on people to forgive, especially when the wounds are fresh and a legitimate time for anger is needed. Please keep in mind that once some time passes, your feelings about forgiveness may change. I am not saying that they absolutely will, but I am encouraging you to be open to a possible change in your attitude toward forgiveness. Finally, and only when you are ready, you might want to explore more deeply what forgiveness actually is. When we forgive, we do not condone what the other person did. What happened was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong. What changes in forgiveness is our stance toward the other person. We begin to see the worth in the other person, not because of what happened, but in spite of this. I wish you well in your emotional healing.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
I started the forgiveness process, but I am stuck on the idea that I might be able to have some compassion for the one who injured me. This is not possible. So, am I flunking the forgiveness test?
You definitely are not “flunking the forgiveness test” if you are unable to feel compassion toward the other. Please keep in mind the following points: First, forgiveness takes time and so please be gentle with yourself. Second, we are not necessarily in control of our emotions, especially one as delicate as compassion, or a tender suffering along with the other. Third, please resist trying to force compassion. It likely will come only with time and the continual practice of forgiving. This could be many months. Fourth and finally, you do not have to forgive in its complete sense to have forgiven the person. Even if you can see his or her mistakes, pain, and confusion, this may be sufficient for your forgiving, at least for now.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
How can one keep motivated to stay with the forgiveness process if it is not working after a few months?
First, please keep in mind that it can take many months to forgive, especially if the injustice was severe and you are deeply hurt. I recommend that you focus on your strong will. You probably have had to use that strong will at times in the past, for example, to overcome a soft-tissue injury, or to persevere on a work or school project. Try to remember one incident of appropriating and persevering in this strong will. Now apply it to forgiving. You have a challenge and staying with that challenge by continuing to practice forgiving may lead to even a small improvement in your anger, in your well-being, and possibly even in your relationship with the other person. Any of these as small improvements might increase your motivation of staying with the forgiveness process.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
