Tagged: “resentment”
Are there acts so terrible that you should not, as you say, give a gift to the other?
Some people will not forgive certain people for certain acts. Yet, other people will forgive others for the exact same kind of act. Thus, it seems to me that it is not the act itself that is out of bounds to forgiveness. Instead, the one who was injured is not ready to offer forgiveness. We have to be gentle with people under these circumstances. We are not all ready to forgive others at the same point of the injury. We have to be careful not to condemn those who need more time or who are ambivalent about forgiveness in a particular circumstance.
For additional information, see Why Forgive?
You talk about forgiveness as a process, one that can take time. I find that as I go along the path of forgiveness, that I slip into revenge-seeking. I do not mean anything violent, just some nastiness or even verbal disrespect. Do you think this will delay my forgiveness process?
We are all imperfect forgivers and so we cannot think of forgiveness as a straight line from the start to the finish. We go back and forth with forgiveness. At times, we see the one who offended us as possessing inherent worth. Then we might have a dream about the person and we wake up angry and do not want to even think about the person. The key here is to understand that the process is not a straight line. Have patience with yourself. Try to have patience with the one whom you are forgiving. In time, this back-and-forth will even out and improvements in forgiving are likely as you continue to persevere in the forgiveness process.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
Why is it anger in particular that can be so damaging to a person, compared with other emotions?
It is not anger per se that can be so damaging to a person, but the kind of anger that is deep and abiding for many months and years. This kind of anger can put one on alert so that the body does not rest. Muscle tightness, headaches, raised blood pressure, and fatigue can all lead to a changed life-style and a change in mood and emotions. When one feels constantly challenged, one can begin to feel unsafe and so anxiety can emerge. The physical challenges can lead to a loss of hope which can lead to depression. The good news is that forgiveness therapy can reduce the toxic anger so that it is no longer injurious to the person.
For additional information, see How do I know if my anger is healthy or unhealthy?
What does science say is the most difficult unit of your Forgiveness Process Model of 20 steps?
We first have to keep in mind that the science basically is looking for generalities or that which is typical. So often, this quest for the normal or typical overlooks the individually personal characteristics of many people. With that said, we tend to find that many people say the initial decision to forgive, to commit to the forgiveness process, is the most difficult unit of the Forgiveness Process Model. I think this might be the case because change or transition can be scary. If you think about it, moving to a new city or starting a new job or starting a new exercise program as you walk through the gym doors for the first time can be a challenge. Starting on a forgiveness path represents hard work and unknown challenges. I think this is why many people say that this is the hardest part of the forgiveness process.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
I’m not buying forgiveness. Someone was really, really rude to me recently. Forget this person! As I forget, I have no need of forgiveness. Anyway, forgiveness is more of an illusion than anything else. When we forgive we artificially convince ourselves that what the other did was not so bad. This is not for me.
First, I am sorry that you have been treated very badly. Your anger is typical for those recently and deeply hurt. We never put pressure on people to forgive, especially when the wounds are fresh and a legitimate time for anger is needed. Please keep in mind that once some time passes, your feelings about forgiveness may change. I am not saying that they absolutely will, but I am encouraging you to be open to a possible change in your attitude toward forgiveness. Finally, and only when you are ready, you might want to explore more deeply what forgiveness actually is. When we forgive, we do not condone what the other person did. What happened was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong. What changes in forgiveness is our stance toward the other person. We begin to see the worth in the other person, not because of what happened, but in spite of this. I wish you well in your emotional healing.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
