Tagged: “resentment”
I was in a heated argument with my spouse. We both needed to ask for forgiveness. I did, but she refuses to apologize. What do I do now?
Your spouse likely is still angry and so needs some time. If she can find it in her heart to forgive you, this may give her the insight that she, too, acted unjustly at that time. So, if she can forgive you (and your apology likely will help with that), then she may be open to apologizing and thus seeking your forgiveness.
For additional information, see Forgiveness for Couples.
Right now, I am alone and do not have a supportive person with whom I can do the forgiveness work. Would you recommend that I wait until I have found such a person before I start the forgiveness process?
This depends on how deeply serious is the injustice against you and your inner reactions. For example, on a 1-to-10 scale, how angry or sad are you (with a 10 being extreme pain)? If you are near a 10, then I would recommend a mental health professional who knows Forgiveness Therapy or who is willing to read one of my self-help books (such as Forgiveness Is a Choice) along with you. If your pain is in the 3 to 5 range, you might consider going ahead with that book yourself and let me, in my printed words, accompany you on the forgiveness journey.
For additional information, see How to Forgive.
I have been engaging in relaxation training to overcome my anger toward a family member. It seems to be working, but at times my anger wells up and makes me uncomfortable. My question is this: Is relaxation training sufficient or not to overcoming anger?
Relaxation training may be sufficient if the injustice you experienced is not severe. If, on the other hand, it was a severe injustice, then relaxation by itself may only quell symptoms and not be a cure for your resentment. Resentment, or deep and abiding anger, is not necessarily cured by relaxing because, once you are finished relaxing, the anger can return. When you forgive, the resentment can be cured.
For additional information, see How to Forgive.
I am growing impatient. I have asked my partner for forgiveness and it is not forthcoming. I have been waiting for weeks. Do you have some advice for me?
The advice I can give at this point is patience. Forgiving is the other person’s decision and that person may need more time. Also, the person may not be convinced of your apology. Have you done what you can to make up for the injustice? This may help lower the other’s anger and lead to forgiveness for you.
For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.
Syrian children have watched their parents die or have assisted in carrying out their parents’ bodies. What would you advise for these children?
We first have to realize that forgiveness belongs to those who rationally conclude that they have been wronged. Even if others say, “You have no right to forgive because there is no injustice here,” this does not mean that the children now are frozen in their decisions to forgive. Some, perhaps the majority, of children who have such a traumatic experience, may develop severe resentment. This resentment could destroy their lives in the future, even in the distant future because the damaging effects of resentment may not be manifested for years. So, if there is the poison of resentment and if the children, as they grow up, decide to forgive, they should do so. A question is whether they are able to identify specific people to forgive or whether they will end up forgiving a system and which system that will be.
For additional information, see Healing Hearts, Building Peace.
