Tagged: “Why Forgive?”

How Do Forgiveness and Tolerance Differ?

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Below is a Socratic dialogue between the mental health professional, Sophia, and her client, Inez. These are fictional characters.  The conversation comes from the book, The Forgiving Life (APA Books, 2012).

Sophia: Are toleration and forgiveness the same?

Inez: They are very close to the same thing. When I forgive, I offer civility, respect, and even love toward the one who hurt me. I do not condemn, attack, or in any way harm the other. Toleration also deliberately avoids hurting the other person. So, they are synonyms.

Sophia: What do you think of this? To tolerate has two related meanings. First, it means to “put up with” another’s unpleasant behavior, as when a friend puts up with another’s unpleasant habit of always answering her mobile phone when the two of them are in deep conversation. Because the person with such a habit is not necessarily conscious of it, we can hardly say that all acts of toleration concern unjust behaviors on the part of the other person. Second, to tolerate means to recognize and respect the rights of others. Because a genuine right is never a wrong, such toleration cannot be forgiveness, which occurs in the context of others’ wrongs.

Inez: But, when I forgive, can’t we say that I am not harming the other? Because tolerance offers this as well, can’t we say that forgiveness shares something important with tolerance?

Sophia: Yes, we could say this, but what do you think? Does forgiveness share more with tolerance or more with moral love?

Inez: It shares something with each.

Sophia: But which one shares more with forgiveness?

Inez: I’d say that love has more in common with forgiveness because when we show goodness toward someone who has hurt us, this is a great good and much more than “putting up with” something or someone.

Sophia: Well said.

Inez: Thank you, Sophia. This is kind of fun. I think I am catching on to the depth of forgiveness.

Enright, Robert D.. The Forgiving Life: A Pathway to Overcoming Resentment and Creating a Legacy of Love (APA LifeTools Series) (Function). Kindle Edition.

Does a Lack of Reconciliation Interfere with Emotional Healing Upon Forgiving?

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A small scale qualitative study in India with 12 young adults showed that even when reconciliation is not possible, there are psychological benefits for those who forgive once a relationship breaks down. The study is here:

Sengupta, Poulami, Vidisha Rai, and Atasi Mohanty. Forgive and forego? Exploring interpersonal forgiveness in non-reconciled relationships among young adults. Psychological Studies 70.1 (2025): 46-60.

Erika Kirk forgives Tyler Robinson

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In Erika Kirk’s speech at the memorial service for her husband, Charlie Kirk, she proclaimed toward the one accused of firing the shot, “I forgive him.”  She received a standing ovation in front of approximately 70,000 people when she made this statement.  Shortly after this, one of the members of our International Forgiveness Institute appeared on a radio program to discuss forgiveness and was asked if such quick forgiveness is legitimate.  The answer was that it is rare, but does occur.  One example given was that of Corrie Ten Boom, as described in her book, The Hiding Place.  She was imprisoned in a concentration camp during World War II.  While in a church and following one of her talks emphasizing the need for forgiveness, an SS officer who abused her while she was held captive approached her, extended his hand, and asked for forgiveness.  She prayed and felt an electrical charge go up her arm, and was overwhelmed with a love for the man.  She was able to legitimately forgive him. Such forgiveness, whether from Erika or Corrie, does not mean that anger never resurfaces again.  It can.  Yet, a pathway of forgiveness already has been experienced, and so practicing it again may lead to deeper forgiveness as the person continues to work on this important moral virtue.

Self-Forgiveness Suggested for Health Care Providers Who Make Errors

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A recent study in the Journal of Child Health Care focuses on health care provides and the clinical errors that occur annually in Australia. The article reports that approximately 140,000 diagnostic errors occur annually. As one step in rectifying the inner psychological effects on the medical professionals who make such errors, the authors recommend self-forgiveness. The reference to this work is here:

Atkins K, Wisby L. Self-forgiveness as a professional value: Restoring integrity after clinical error. Journal of Child Health Care. 2025;29(1):5-9. doi:10.1177/13674935251318913

So Then, What Is a Good Society?

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I wrote a similar essay to this one 13 years ago on this very site.  Sadly and tragically, little has changed in that lengthy time period.  Societies are not listening and we are reaping the consequences of intemperate anger, unrestrained rage, and innocent lives lost. Let us continue with the ideas expressed here in 2012.

Peter Maurin of the Catholic Worker Movement is alleged to have said that a good society is one in which it is easy to be good. I write this blog post today as I reflect on some recent news stories of school shootings resulting in the deaths of innocent students and adults. I reflect on the killing of Charlie Kirk and the widening divide between political groups in the United States. Is it not obvious that anger is growing and at times knows no bounds? Anger can sometimes be deadly for those who just happen to be in the angry person’s way or who hold different beliefs than the shooter.

I wonder what those outcomes would have been if those with the weapons were bathed in forgiveness education from age 5 though 18. I wonder what those outcomes would have been if each one of the weapon-carriers, as they grew up, deliberately practiced forgiveness in school, on the playground, and in the home, and then continued the forgiving into adulthood. I wonder.

One key issue of forgiveness, and this takes time to develop, is to begin seeing the inherent worth of all people, including those with whom we disagree or at whom we are angry. What if the school shooters saw that deep, invaluable inherent worth in those at whom the gun was pointed? Could someone immersed in the understanding of the inherent worth of all people pull the trigger? What if the one who shot Charlie Kirk, despite wide differences in beliefs, saw his inherent worth. Could he have pulled the trigger?

What about us, who are observing all of this? For those of you who were dancing at the announcement of Mr. Kirk’s passing, can you honestly say that you saw and continue to see the inherent worth of the man? If not, perhaps you need to deliberately cultivate forgiveness in your life, starting with the little things of everyday life that annoy you so that you can begin to grow in this virtue.

For those of you who now deeply mourn Mr. Kirk’s passing, can you say that you see the inherent worth of the shooter? I am not saying, “Do you now excuse the killing?” No. Instead, I am asking if, in spite of the murder, can you see the humanity in the one who pulled the trigger? Such a view takes time and this is why, if you had years of forgiveness education, then you might be brought to such an understanding of him more deeply and more quickly so that you do not now even unconsciously cultivate a rage that could harm you or even be passed unintentionally to your loved ones. Forgiveness can help prevent that. Perhaps it is time for you who read this to begin growing in the heroic moral virtue of forgiveness for the sake of your family members and friends.

The wounds in the world are deep and everlasting, it seems. What we do here at the International Forgiveness Institute, Inc. (helping people if they so choose to learn to forgive and then practice forgiveness) will never be out of date. Yet, my big worry (yes, it is a big worry) is this: Will there be sufficient laborers in the forgiveness vineyard to bring the virtue of forgiveness to children so that they can become fortified against the grave injustices that come to too many too often as adults? Can we help them sustain the practice of this moral virtue so that it becomes part of their identity, part of who they are as persons?  Can we assist them with this growing in forgiveness so that their anger does not explode out of the barrel of a gun?

I worry about those 6-year-olds, sitting now in classrooms, learning their mandated ABCs, without also learning the ABCs of how to deal with injustice. You see, society is not emphasizing forgiveness. We are not being taught forgiveness on a regular basis. We are in a society where it is not easy to be a good forgiver. And so too many who become confused, frustrated, angry, and then filled with rage do not know how to temper these emotions before they are discharged onto unsuspecting others.

I know of no society which has deliberately decided to create a norm that to forgive is good. Instead, forgiveness remains deep in the heart of some people, not most, as society moves along with its norms of justice alone. So, then, what do societies do when rage erupts, overflows, and hurts others? We send in the law enforcement officers **after the mayhem.** Do you have any idea regarding how we might **prevent** the rage by encouraging forgiveness and how forgiveness and justice can and should work hand-in-hand?   

Society, what do you think? It is more than time to bring forgiveness into societies so that it can take up residence in individual hearts for the good of the self and others as people then strive for a temperate and good justice. It is time.