Tagged: “Why Forgive?”
I’m not buying forgiveness. Someone was really, really rude to me recently. Forget this person! As I forget, I have no need of forgiveness. Anyway, forgiveness is more of an illusion than anything else. When we forgive we artificially convince ourselves that what the other did was not so bad. This is not for me.
First, I am sorry that you have been treated very badly. Your anger is typical for those recently and deeply hurt. We never put pressure on people to forgive, especially when the wounds are fresh and a legitimate time for anger is needed. Please keep in mind that once some time passes, your feelings about forgiveness may change. I am not saying that they absolutely will, but I am encouraging you to be open to a possible change in your attitude toward forgiveness. Finally, and only when you are ready, you might want to explore more deeply what forgiveness actually is. When we forgive, we do not condone what the other person did. What happened was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong. What changes in forgiveness is our stance toward the other person. We begin to see the worth in the other person, not because of what happened, but in spite of this. I wish you well in your emotional healing.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
Who has the greater capacity to forgive: college students or their parents?
We cannot make an absolute statement as an answer to your question because some college-aged children may forgive to a greater degree than their parents, especially if the student has a lighter injustice to overcome. Yet, we have done studies showing that, on the average, the middle-aged parents tend to forgive to a greater degree than do their college-attending children. I think this is because of the parents’ greater maturity and perhaps because they have suffered more in their longer life and thus have had more to overcome.
For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.
My father has a temper and from all I can tell, he learned this from his father. So, is anger an inherited trait?
By “inherited trait” I am guessing that you are not talking about a fixed biological characteristic, but instead are using that as a metaphor for anger being learned, over and over, across the generations. If that is what you mean, then yes, I do think that anger can be passed down through the generations and probably can last for centuries. This is why your insights are so valuable. You now see this. I would recommend that you forgive your father for his temper. Not only may this help your relationship with your father but also be a protection for your own children in the future as you see your vulnerability for passing along the family pattern of anger.
For additional information, see Why Forgive?
Do I have to find a particular kind of meaning after I forgive?
There is no one meaning for you to find once you have forgiven. Some people find meaning in the forgiveness process itself, as they now highly value it. Some people find meaning in the revelation about how many people are walking around with emotional wounds. Others find meaning as they discover what love in its service-to-others sense means. So, try to find the meaning that seems to fit today with your particular forgiveness journey.
For additional information, see Why Forgive?
How can one keep motivated to stay with the forgiveness process if it is not working after a few months?
First, please keep in mind that it can take many months to forgive, especially if the injustice was severe and you are deeply hurt. I recommend that you focus on your strong will. You probably have had to use that strong will at times in the past, for example, to overcome a soft-tissue injury, or to persevere on a work or school project. Try to remember one incident of appropriating and persevering in this strong will. Now apply it to forgiving. You have a challenge and staying with that challenge by continuing to practice forgiving may lead to even a small improvement in your anger, in your well-being, and possibly even in your relationship with the other person. Any of these as small improvements might increase your motivation of staying with the forgiveness process.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
