Tagged: “Why Forgive?”
What is the difference between letting go of your anger and forgiving a person?
When we forgive, we tend to let go of most or sometimes all of our anger. When we let go of our anger we do not necessarily forgive. For example, we can let go of anger and dismiss a person as unworthy of our respect or love. Forgiveness, on the other hand, strives to respect and love those who have hurt us. Forgiveness never condemns a person for an unjust act. At the same time, forgiveness does acknowledge unjust acts as wrong.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
It seems to me that forgiveness is a good thing when someone has been really unfair to me. Yet, anger is a natural part of reacting to injustice. So, to forgive, does a person have to suppress anger? If so, then forgiveness seems like it is psychologically unhealthy.
When people forgive, the goal is to reduce or even eliminate the anger, not to suppress it. When we enter a forgiveness process, we look first at the anger, which is a way of acknowledging that anger, not suppressing it. Thus, when we forgive we do not suppress anger. Forgiveness, then, is not unhealthy in that it suppresses anger.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
I find that whenever I forgive someone, it is never really over. What I mean is I can wake up weeks later and I am angry all over again. This is getting discouraging. What can I do to be rid of the anger so it does not return?
This is actually a more common question than you might imagine. Anger is uncomfortable for us and when it is intense, it can be unhealthy for us. Something to keep in mind is this: As you continually forgive, I mean truly persist, then the anger will diminish. It will move to a more healthy level. A key is for you to be in control of your anger rather than the anger to be in control of you. The emotion of anger may be with you for a long time, but the emotion of unhealthy anger will not be. For now, let us make this the goal—not to be entirely rid of the anger but to persist in forgiving until the anger is manageable. When anger comes to visit unexpectedly a week or a month from now, be prepared to forgive again. The more we practice forgiveness, the more quickly we actually forgive. So, please be encouraged.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
I suffer from chronic anxiety. Will this alter how I go through the forgiveness process relative to those who are not suffering in this way?
Sometimes our anxiety comes from not feeling safe. Sometimes our not feeling safe emerges when others treat us unfairly. In other words, you may be expecting poor treatment from others now, even those who usually are fair. A first step may be to think of one person who may have hurt you and at whom you still harbor resentment. You can forgive through the exact same pathway as described, for example, in the book, Forgiveness Is a Choice. With anger lessened, anxiety can diminish. Of course, this will vary for each person. We have to be gentle with ourselves as we learn to forgive, to give up anger, and to know with some confidence that we can meet the next interpersonal challenge with forgiveness, helping us to meet these challenges with less anxiety than in the past.
To learn more, read Forgiveness Is a Choice.
In your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, you talk about finding meaning in suffering. You talk about growing beyond yourself. What does this mean?
When people find meaning in suffering they often develop a deeper sense of what it means to be a person. You may begin to see, for example, that your suffering has shown you that all people suffer, all people are emotionally wounded to one degree or another. You begin to realize that your suffering is making you a more sensitive person to other people. In other words, your world expands as you see humanity more deeply.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Is a Choice.
