Tagged: “Why Forgive?”
About three years ago, I forgave my father for abandoning the family when I was just a child, 6-years-old. Now that I am grown and the pressure is off of him to parent me, here he comes and asks my forgiveness. To be honest with you, I think it is too late to hear his point of view. What do you think?
You have forgiven your father for his abandoning your family and you. I think you now have another situation in which you might consider forgiving your father for coming to you now, as you say, after the pressure is off for his parenting you. Forgiveness, as you know, is your choice. Given that you already have forgiven him for his past behavior, you now know the forgiveness pathway for forgiving him for his current issue. Please keep in mind that he may have a lot of remorse and guilt. He may not be asking for your forgiveness only because the pressure now is off. If you see his possible remorse and even anguish, it may help you in your decision to forgive.
For additional information, see 8 Keys to Forgiveness.
I see skepticism in people whenever I mention the healing power of forgiveness. How can I make forgiveness an acceptable part of conversations?
It may help if people see that forgiveness is a moral virtue, as are justice, patience, courage, and love. We exercise justice in families and groups all the time. You can ask, “Why, then, can’t we make room for this other moral virtue, forgiveness?” It would be helpful if you then are attuned to the others’ misconceptions about what, exactly, constitutes this moral virtue of forgiveness: Do they see forgiving as excusing or ignoring justice? Clearing up misconceptions usually makes forgiveness more acceptable.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
I was in a heated argument with my spouse. We both needed to ask for forgiveness. I did, but she refuses to apologize. What do I do now?
Your spouse likely is still angry and so needs some time. If she can find it in her heart to forgive you, this may give her the insight that she, too, acted unjustly at that time. So, if she can forgive you (and your apology likely will help with that), then she may be open to apologizing and thus seeking your forgiveness.
For additional information, see Forgiveness for Couples.
Right now, I am alone and do not have a supportive person with whom I can do the forgiveness work. Would you recommend that I wait until I have found such a person before I start the forgiveness process?
This depends on how deeply serious is the injustice against you and your inner reactions. For example, on a 1-to-10 scale, how angry or sad are you (with a 10 being extreme pain)? If you are near a 10, then I would recommend a mental health professional who knows Forgiveness Therapy or who is willing to read one of my self-help books (such as Forgiveness Is a Choice) along with you. If your pain is in the 3 to 5 range, you might consider going ahead with that book yourself and let me, in my printed words, accompany you on the forgiveness journey.
For additional information, see How to Forgive.
I forgave a betraying friend and yet I still suffer from sadness over this. What can I do to get rid of this?
Think of forgiveness as a process that can take time rather than a one-time decision. If you have a little sadness, this is normal. If, however, the sadness is deep and is interfering with your well-being, I suggest starting from the beginning and forgiving the friend again. Each time you practice forgiveness, some of the sadness may lessen. Again, please do not expect that forgiving will wipe away all feelings of sadness or even anger. If such symptoms are manageable for you, then you are advancing well in forgiving.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
