Archive for June, 2021
Can’t I forgive simply because it is good in and of itself? Do I really need some kind of external reason, such as helping my family or assisting the one who was unfair? The more abstract reason, that goes well beyond physical consequences, seems to me to be an important reason for forgiving.
Yes, I agree with you. We do not have to have, as you say, the motivation of forgiving to be the bringing about of a physical consequence such as improved family relationships or the rehabilitation of another’s behavior. Forgiveness as a moral virtue is good in and of itself and your engaging in this moral virtue as its own end is good. We need to keep in mind that forgiving unconditionally, for its own sake, can and often does lead to positive physical consequences (feeling better and/or a restored relationship). As you correctly point out, one does not have to have some kind of guarantee that such physical consequences will occur before we forgive.
My motivation to forgive is to assist the one who acted unjustly, to get her attention, to give her a chance to change. She is not changing. Therefore, it seems to me that I should withhold forgiving as a last-chance for her to repent and live a better life. Isn’t this the way to go, to wait on forgiving until the other changes for the sake of that other person?
It seems to me that you are thinking in “either-or” ways rather than “both-and” ways. This is what I mean: Yes, it is good to try to assist the other in changing unjust behavior. You can do this assisting even after you forgive. You can forgive from the heart, and even proclaim your forgiving to the other, and then ask for change. Let the person know it is important that she sees her behavior as unjust and then do what she can to change that behavior. If you wait to forgive until she changes, you may never forgive. Now you are trapped by her choices, trapped with resentment that could last for years.
I have read your views that to forgive for my own sake is honorable because it centers on self-care. I, though, have a different reason for forgiving. I want to forgive so that I am acting in a consistent way with my faith. God asks us to forgive and I want to honor that. Forgiving enriches my life and those around me. Do you think self-care is more important than my views on this?
No, I do not think that forgiving for the sake of self-care is more important than your reason for forgiving. In general (but certainly not always), I tend to find this: At first, people are highly motivated to forgive to get rid of the suffering of emotional pain. Eventually, people develop other reasons to keep forgiving and to forgive other people for offenses. One such new development is exactly what you are saying, to forgive to be consistent with one’s strongly held beliefs from faith. So, these two reasons for forgiving are not mutually exclusive. The one (the reason from faith) often emerges once the inner wounds begin to heal.
I am motivated to forgive my ex-husband for the sake of the children. In other words, I do not want them to grow up hating their father. Is this a good reason for my forgiving him?
Yes, this is an excellent reason for forgiving. You want to protect your children and this is very honorable. You are not thinking of yourself, but of them and that, to me, is heroic. I think your children will benefit greatly from your decision to forgive and your actions of forgiving. I wish you the best with this.
I want to forgive to restore an important relationship. Yet, I am afraid to begin the forgiveness process because the other may not want the relationship anymore. Under this circumstance, is it reasonable for me to reject forgiving?
Actually, it is very reasonable for you to continue moving forward with the forgiveness process. As you are aware, forgiveness does not provide a guarantee that the other will accept your overture of forgiving. Yet, if you forgive, you are opening the other to this possibility of a new start in the relationship. Even if the other rejects your forgiving, you have done your best, you may experience emotional healing, and so you can move on well regardless of what the other decides to do.
