Archive for June, 2023

I emailed you a couple of weeks ago about my partner, who refuses to discuss the deep hurt that he experienced at work. I have been waiting and loving him, but no progress at this point. Can you give me more pointers for opening him up to the possibility of forgiving those at work who hurt him?

You do not want to pressure your partner into forgiving. At the same time, you do not necessarily want to ignore your partner who could be better off psychologically by considering forgiveness, as you are aware. I recommend that you be aware of his inner pain. When he expresses that pain (as fatigue or bodily tensions or deep anger), you could focus on that pain and ask him if he has a way of reducing or eliminating that pain. If he has no effective strategies in mind, it is then that you might consider suggesting forgiving as a way to get rid of the pain. I have found that pain is a great motivator toward healing and forgiving is one path to that healing.

I kind of hate to admit this, but as the saying goes, “Revenge is sweet.” If revenge gives me a similar sense of satisfaction as forgiveness does, would you equate revenge and forgiveness and say that they have equal value?

Actually, no, revenge-seeking and forgiving are entirely different. Even if they lead to a similar inner conclusion, we have to remember that the outward conclusion is radically different for revenge and forgiving. In getting revenge, the person may receive retaliation from the other, in which case the “feel good” scenario melts away. In forgiving, the person who gives love may receive love back. Even if this does not happen, at least the other person’s quest for retaliation may not be present any longer. We cannot confuse revenge and forgiving by focusing on outcomes only. As one final thought, the “feel good” experience in revenge might be very short-lived. Revenge does not necessarily lead to a cure for resentment, but only a temporary reprieve from it.

Has forgiveness education in schools been researched and found fruitful?

Yes, forgiveness education has been researched over 20 times in different cultures of the world with both children and adolescents.  The research shows that children can learn about what forgiveness is; they can learn to forgive those who acted unfairly; and they can reduce their anger toward those who were unfair.  Here is a reference to a study that examined these forgiveness education programs worldwide:

Rapp, H., Wang Xu, J., & Enright, R.D. (2022). A meta-analysis of forgiveness education interventions’ effects on forgiveness and anger in children and adolescents. Child Development, 93, 1249-1269.https://doi.org/10.1111/cdev.13771

If a parent keeps asking a child to forgive the parent, won’t that seem like forcing a child to forgive?

You raise an important point.  If a parent insists on forgiveness, this may be giving the wrong message that the child must forgive.  The parent needs forgiveness education to know that the offer of forgiveness is the child’s choice, when the child is ready.  It is best, in my view, if the child is drawn to the beauty of forgiveness rather than seeing it as a grim obligation that is forced upon the child.  In other words, the parent needs a gently approach when asking for forgiveness.