Archive for August, 2024
Every time I try to correct my partner for his harsh tone, he gets even angrier. What frustrates me is this: I am not doing anything wrong when he does the yelling. It is as if he is angry with someone or something else and I become the innocent victim. What advice do you have for me on this?
Your partner seems to be using the psychological defense of displacement in which he takes out his anger on you even though he is angry with another person or situation. When he is in a calmer state, you might gently ask him if he is carrying a burden in his heart that is in need of healing. The burden, please keep in mind, could be from many years ago when he was a child. Your examining, together, his past wounds may uncover the injustices he has faced and the resultant anger that is being displaced onto you. If you can uncover these past challenges, then you might suggest that he forgive those people who treated him unjustly so that both of you are freed from the unpleasant consequences of the unjust treatment.
I know your colleagues and you recently published a study in which you contrasted the injustices suffered by men in correctional institutions compared with those in the general public. I have not been able to find that reference. Would you please provide it? Thank you.
Here is the reference:
Song, J. Y., Yu, L., Roman, S. B., Caparros, C. M., Baskin, T. W., Huneke, D., & Enright, R. D. (2024). Examining the past injustices suffered by those in corrections and the general public: A new therapeutic approach may be necessary. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy.
The manuscript can be read here:
https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/cpp.3001
As a follow-up to my recent question about forgiveness being exclusive to Christianity (and thank you for the clarifications), don’t you think that religions put pressure on people to forgive? If so, then I am not a fan of religion. What do you think?
Please keep in mind that most religions emphasize free will. The idea and importance of forgiveness are emphasized for the believers and then it is up to them to exercise their free will and to forgive or not. Also, in your criticism of “putting pressure on people to forgive,” I think you are missing a vital point. Here is an analogy: Parents (who are good parents) want their children to grow up to be good adults. Therefore, the parents emphasize that their children show respect to others. Is this “putting pressure on the children to show respect,” or is it something much more beautiful than pressure? The point of emphasizing respect is to aid the children to grow in the goodness of humanity, not to put some kind of grim pressure on them that makes no sense toward their humanity. It is the same with forgiveness, which can aid a child to have mercy on others, to be patient and kind to others, and thus to be deeply human. This is very different from a grim pressure that bears no fruit. It is similar in religions that emphasize the free-will exercise of forgiveness. These belief systems are showing the believers a beautiful way of being human.
I hope you do not take offense at what I am about to say because I know your organization tries to play fair about forgiveness. It seems to me that forgiveness is just a power play for Christianity to control people. Here is what I mean: Forgiveness is emphasized in the Christian Bible, and so as you emphasize forgiveness, you are emphasizing Christian thought and not other philosophies or religions.
You are correct that forgiveness has a rich tradition and is emphasized in Christianity, but you fail to correctly show that forgiveness has a valued place in many different world philosophies and religions. Please take a look at one of our recent blog posts in which we show, across 26 world communities, that forgiveness is a word that is used in each of these communities:
The 26 communities vary widely in their philosophies and religions. Forgiveness, in many cases, could serve as a discussion among groups that are in conflict with each other because, in many cases, each side has an honored place for forgiveness.
Why do you say that forgiving is a moral virtue when I often read that some scholars simply say that to forgive is to reduce anger toward the offending person?
As stated in my most recent answer here, a person can pardon another because the offended person sees the offending person as low in humanity. The same is true for reducing anger. An offended person can reduce anger because he sees the other as not worth the effort and as being low in humanity.
