Archive for November, 2024
Forgiveness as Part of Pre-Marital Preparation
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On November 19, 2024, Dr. Enright posted an essay on the Psychology Today website with a focus on forgiveness being a part of pre-marital preparation. Too often, this issue of learning about forgiving one another in the future, once married, is not given sufficient attention. The essay suggests the following points:
- Examine the injustices suffered while growing up so that the residual anger does not come into the marriage;
- Forgive those from the past who have hurt you because of unjust treatment;
- Bring this learning about forgiving into the marriage, with the commitment to practice forgiving in the marriage;
- Be prepared to teach your children about forgiveness so that they can be prepared for unjust treatment toward them in the future.
Three Interviews by the Media in November 2024
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Dr. Enright had three media interviews this month with the following media outlets:
- Interview with Yowei Shaw and “Erin,” PROXY podcast by Apple, on the themes of betrayal and forgiveness, November 19, 2024.
- Interview with Makai Allbert, reporter for the international newspaper, The Epoch Times, on the themes of resentment and forgiveness, November 18, 2024.
- Interview with Dr. Rodrigo Nardi, psychiatrist, for his podcast with the New England Psychiatry Mentoring Institute, on the topic of forgiveness therapy, November 16, 2024.
I have engaged in the exercises of your Process Model of Forgiveness, trying to see the woundedness in the one who hurt me. Yet, I am still very angry. I want to be nasty to this person so I can get even. What advice do you have for me on this?
One homework assignment that we give to those who are in the process of forgiveness is to “do no harm” to the offending person. In other words, you make a commitment to yourself not to retaliate, even with words, so that the other person and you do not keep passing the pain back and forth. As you commit to “do no harm,” this tends to start reducing your anger. It also serves as a protection for the other person.
When she hurt me over and over……and over, it is difficult to see her emotional wounds. I get angry and depressed when I attempt to look at her wounds because of all the time that was lost and the pain that was caused. I do see some movement in myself in the forgiveness process in that the anger is going down, but not deeply or fast enough for me. Will I be able to get past this and find relief from forgiveness?
Yes, I think that if you have a strong will, you will overcome this. As you say, you are making progress even if it is slow. I recommend that you not give up, even if it means fighting for your healing and enduring with a lot of patience. Don’t have high expectations too soon. The process of forgiving someone is a journey and sometimes a difficult one. However, as you practice, you gradually reduce your anger until you can see the results. As you offer mercy, that mercy likely will come back to you.
Forgiveness Gives Light
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I was surprised this past summer when I read negative commentaries about forgiveness coming from major media outlets. As I argued on August 21, 2024 within this blog site, those criticizing forgiveness were misunderstanding what it is, confusing it, for example, with automatic reconciliation or being pressured into it as a norm that makes people miserable.
In this essay, I would like to take a different approach. Instead of dwelling on the darkness of misunderstanding, I would like to consider what forgiveness actually is when freely chosen and embraced by those who have been poorly treated.
Let us start with an analogy. We are in a dark room, and it is hard to see anything at all. In comes a little child who goes over to a bureau, picks up a candle, and carries it to you along with a match. “Would you light this candle for me, please?” the child requests. As you strike the match and unite it with the candle’s wick, all of a sudden there is bright light where there was darkness. You can see the smiling child clearly. You can see the paintings on the wall and the soft furniture, welcoming you to sit down and relax.
Forgiveness is like the lighted candle. At first, our hearts seem darkened by the injustices we suffer. That darkness almost seems as if it will be part of our identity, a part of who we are as persons. Yet, when we forgive, we offer goodness to those who have not been good to us. We offer them the light of a second chance. We offer them a view that they have worth despite what they did. We offer them light.
At the same time, and our science shows this over and over, as a person willingly and patiently gives this light of forgiveness to others, the darkness in one’s own heart fades, and the light of love can and does replace it. As that light shines onto the offending other person, it also finds its way into the hearts of our loved ones as we no longer displace our anger, our darkness, onto them.
As we give the light of forgiveness to others, that light can remain in their hearts and gives them a chance to pass that light of love to even more people. Have you ever thought of forgiveness this way? As you give the light of goodness to others, your light can be passed from one person to another, even from one generation to another. That one candle, lit in one dark room, can continue to shine across time and into many hearts.
Forgiveness is not the darkness of forced reconciliation or forced and phony empathy. When fostered and given freely to others, it is one of the most extraordinary forms of humanity.
Welcome to the light of forgiveness. May your light of forgiveness shine this Thanksgiving weekend…..and well beyond that to others.
