Archive for November, 2024

To be honest with you, I am kind of skeptical about practicing empathy toward the person who was deeply unfair to me.  Here is what I mean: If I see his emotional struggles, his confusion, and his pain, I may begin to say to myself, “Oh well, under this circumstance, I can let the circumstance go and just forget about it.”  Empathy, in other words, lets the other person off the hook.  What do you think?

When we forgive, we start with this assumption: What the other person did to me was unfair, is unfair, and always will be unfair.  Our forgiveness of the other does not excuse what was done.  We can be kinder to the person even though the actions were unjust and will remain so.  This makes forgiveness a very special moral virtue because we are doing our best to be good to those who are not good to us.

When we forgive, does our anger characteristically go away completely?

The answer depends on the depth of the hurt and who hurt us.  If we are profoundly hurt, for example, by a spouse who is supposed to be good to us, even when we forgive, some residual anger can remain.  In this circumstance, you might consider persevering in forgiving even when you sense that you have forgiven well.  Some residual anger is not an indication that you are unforgiving.  As the late Lewis Smedes said in his book, Forgive and Forget (1984), we are all imperfect forgivers.  Therefore, all anger will not necessarily fade in the circumstance of serious injustice.  The good news is that the anger no longer will be controlling you, but you will be in control of your anger.

Forgiving seems kind of superficial to me.  No offense, but if I am asked to just quietly let the past stay in the past and move on, that seems hard to do when I want to get the person who hurt me to change.

Forgiveness is not the same as moving on from the past. Forgiveness, as a moral virtue (as are justice, kindness, and patience), is doing one’s best to be good to those who have not been good to us.  The focus is on the person, not the event of injustice itself.  As we begin to see the humanity in the one who hurt us, the unjust event begins to have less influence on our emotions.  We sometimes can move on from the event if we do the work of seeing the worth in the other person, commit not to do even subtle harm to this person, and offer goodness of some kind when we are ready.

My mother was quite abusive when I was growing up.  She hurt me very much.  I am trying to forgive her, but it really is hard because mothers are supposed to nurture us, not abuse us.  Do you have any advice for me in this difficult situation?

Yes, I have an essay on the Psychology Today website discussing healing and forgiving from “the mother wound.”  You will see if you read it that you are not alone.  Over 190,000 people viewed this post.  Here it is:

Aiding Daughters in Healing From the “Mother-Wound”

I still think that my ex-husband has inherent worth as a person, but I cannot bring myself to forgiving him.  In other words, I do not want to enter back into a relationship with him.  So, how unforgiving am I?

Actually, I think you are confusing forgiving and reconciling.  If you have good reasons for not entering back into a relationship with him, and if you cannot trust him, this is an issue of reconciliation.  When two or more people come together again in mutual trust, this is reconciliation.  When you begin to see the humanity in the one who was unfair to you, and you deliberately try to reduce negative feelings and work on more positive thoughts (such as his worth) and positive feelings (such as wishing him well in his life), then you are well on the path to forgiving.  How forgiving are you?  I think you are doing well.