Author Archive: directorifi
Future Forgiveness
Your practicing forgiveness now may pay unexpected dividends for you decades from now. As an example, a person visited me when her husband unexpectedly left her and her two children, whom she now is raising on her own. This is her view of the situation: “I have been practicing forgiveness now for many years under many different circumstances. Forgiveness has become my friend. I know how to forgive my husband. Had I not taken the time over the years to forgive different people, to nurture forgiveness in my heart, I could be in big trouble now, with a big bag of resentment that I could be carrying with me. This will not happen…..because forgiveness is my friend.” Each decision to forgive and each act of forgiveness now may pay great dividends for you and others 20 years from now.
Perseverance is a key. I have found that one of the greatest challenges to growing in forgiveness is a failure to adhere to practicing it as a moral virtue. People become distracted, they focus on new approaches to life, and they let forgiveness fade in them. As an analogy, how often do people take out a new membership in the gym, enthusiastically start a physical fitness regimen, and then slowly give it up? Diversions interfere and a habit of going to the gym never develops.
Developing a love of the forgiveness moral virtue is one way to avoid diversion, of avoiding distraction from the conscious and deliberate commitment to keep forgiveness as a vital part of one’s human interactions. As a person practices forgiveness over time, sees the beauty of it, sees the potential for aiding the self in reducing resentment and aiding others with the second chance, it is here that one starts to develop a love of the virtue. With the love now in place, perseverance becomes easier and it is easier to pass forgiveness to others.
from Pexels, used with permission
A love of the moral virtue of forgiveness can lead to it becoming a part of your identity, a part of who you are as a person. In other words, we all have a sense of who we are by focusing on what is important to us in life. Some may say, “I am a teacher,” or “I am the parent of two beautiful children,” or “I am a bicycle enthusiast.” We tend to look upon ourselves mostly through the lens of what we value. Once forgiveness starts to grow in you, then continued perseverance is more likely. The more you persevere in forgiving, the more you see its beauty and develop a love of the virtue. The more you develop a love of forgiveness, then the more likely it will become a valued part of who you are: “I am a forgiving person.” It is here that you want to give it away to others for their good. You then are helping people strengthen against the potential ravages of deeply unfair treatment from others that can lead to trauma within. Forgiveness is a protection against these negative effects. Persist in practicing forgiveness now, even for the minor annoyances, and protect yourself when deep unfairness comes; persist in practicing forgiveness now, and grow toward helping others to forgive, as a protection for them when deep unfairness visits them.
Forgiveness today is an investment in your future……and in others’ future.
Is there such a thing as too much forgiving? If so, what is that like?
Can you be too fair with people? In other words, is there a situation in which the practice of justice can be too much? I do not think so because all of the moral virtues are good and so the practice of the virtues also is good. What you might have in mind is what we call false-forgiveness. In such a case, people, for example, are continually trying to put on a show of their own high virtue and so they are insincere. Also, if someone distorts forgiving by isolating it so that no justice occurs along with forgiveness, then an unhealthy and hasty reconciliation might occur. So, if the forgiving is genuine and is balanced with justice, then there is no such thing as too much forgiving.
When I start to forgive, I sometimes get so angry that it short-circuits the forgiveness process. What do you recommend in this circumstance?
I would recommend first being aware of the increase in your anger and the degree to which this is happening. Then I would reflect on how the anger itself is compromising you and your health in particular. This can be a motivation to exercise your strong will to continue forgiving. As you continue to persevere in forgiving, then the anger will not be controlling you, but you will be in control of your anger. You sometimes may need a break from forgiving and this is all right. Try to refresh and, with your strong will, start the forgiveness process once again.
How open should I be with my own children about their grandfather’s (my father’s) verbal abuse toward family members when I was growing up? I do want them to have a healthy relationship with their grandfather, but I am feeling a bit uncomfortable hiding the truth from them.
Given that you want the children to have a healthy relationship with their grandfather, it seems to me that he is not guilty of any dangerous behavior (such as physical abuse). In other words, your statement suggests that you can trust your father when he is with your children. If this is correct, then you need not share details of your father’s verbal abuse when you were growing up. If your relationship with him still is strained, and the children notice this, you can briefly state that your father and you are working out some difficulties and not go into detail. Your children need not know those details when there is no present danger to them.
When I was growing up, my mother would press me to forgive. She seemed to have an attitude that I was always in the wrong. This has affected my life and my ability to trust others. I also am somewhat negative about forgiveness because of this experience when I was young. What do you suggest in this case?
It seems that you now are seeing the importance of people clearly understanding what forgiveness actually is and precisely how to go about it. Your mother’s pressuring you to forgive seems to have affected both your view of forgiveness and your ability to reconcile with others because of damaged trust. I first would urge you to take a careful look at what forgiveness actually is so that you do not distort its essence. Forgiving can be a beautiful response that sets you free from unhealthy anger. I then recommend that you consider forgiving your mother for pressuring you. Once you begin to see the value of forgiving, forgiveness can fortify you against the pain from future injustices by other people. Forgiveness can reduce feelings of mistrust about the future. This new confidence that you have a healthy response to future injustices may help you to enter into future relationships with others.
