Author Archive: directorifi

I forgave my partner and I truly think that I did this right.  In other words, I have more gentle behaviors toward him, I see that he has worth as a person, and I have empathy toward him.  I proclaimed my forgiveness and he says that he accepted it.  Yet, he keeps being annoyed with me.  I thought that forgiving would be helpful to him, but so far it is not.  What now?

Your partner seems to have a pattern of behavior that needs to change.  It is possible that he actually is annoyed with someone or something else and he is taking this out on you.  I recommend that you sit down with him and explore other situations in his life, either occurring now, such as at work, or in the past, such as in his family of origin.  He may need to practice forgiving these other people to lower his anger so that he does not take it out on you.

I am a hospice worker and I am considering doing forgiveness education work with some of the patients who have family injustices, some of which happened years ago.  Have you ever done work like this in a hospice context?  What is your opinion of my starting such a program?

Yes, Dr. Mary Hansen and colleagues published a journal article in 2009 in which hospice patients forgave family members.  The results showed that they increased in their hope for the future as some of them drew family members to their bedside and reconciled prior to their passing.  Here is a link to that article:

Hansen, M.J., Enright. R.D., Baskin, T.W., & Klatt, J. (2009).  A palliative care intervention in forgiveness therapy for elderly terminally-ill cancer patients. Journal of Palliative Care, 25, 51-60.

Why can’t we simplify forgive by saying that the forgiver no longer wants to harm the one who acted badly?  Why complicate matters by insisting that the forgiver has to be perfect in his thinking, feeling, and behaving toward the offending one?

The forgiver does not have to be perfect in the expression of forgiving.  The key issue here is to distinguish between what can be expressed now by an imperfect forgiver (and we are all imperfect forgivers) and what forgiving actually is in its Essence.  As imperfect forgivers, people do not necessarily reach the heights of forgiving by having loving thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward a person who acted deeply unjustly.  Yet, we need to keep in front of us what forgiving actually is, in its Essence, if we are to strive to be better in our forgiving.  In other words, a too-simplistic view of forgiveness, in its Essence, places the bar for improvement much too low for us all if we over-simplify the definition of forgiving.  If forgiveness only is wanting to do no harm toward the offending person, this is a good first step, but it is incomplete.  One can want to do no harm and yet do harm when angry.  One can want to do no harm because the “forgiver” thinks the other is ignorant and irredeemable.  In other words, a move to not harm does not go far enough and actually, by itself, can be an error, as pointed out in the above examples.

Someone said that forgiveness is thinking kind thoughts about the offender.  Is that all there is to forgiving?

If you think about this issue of thinking as forgiveness, you may quickly see why it is too small of a definition.  Here is an example to dispel the myth that to forgive is only to have kind thoughts about the one who offended:  Suppose Bradly is in a relationship with Susan.  She acted unjustly toward him.  He now thinks kind thoughts about her, but continues to yell at her, thinking that such behavior, as he says, “Will shape her up to behave better.”  There is an inconsistency between thought and behavior on Bradley’s part.  He needs to expand his understanding of forgiveness to include kind thoughts and kind behaviors as well as kind feelings toward her for a more complete view and expression of forgiveness.

I think that forgiveness can be woefully superficial.  As people in families offer forgiveness to an abusive member of the family, it creates a superficial expectation that all is well now when it is not.  What do you think?

I think you are confusing forgiving with the abandonment of justice.  As you forgive, you can and should help people in the family to be respectful of one another.  Forgiveness is not an open road to put up with injustice.  If you do not see that, then you might misunderstand forgiveness as superficial, which it is not.  Forgiveness is the courageous and patient offering of goodness to those who have not been good to you.  Once this is established, it is not a sign of weakness to let others do to you whatever they wish.  Forgive and seek justice.  As you forgive, how you ask for justice and what you see as fair may be deeper than if you strive for justice with hate in your heart.