Author Archive: directorifi
I have gone through the forgiveness process now a few times with the one who has hurt me and I still have anger left over. It is not as intense as before, but there is anger left over. I am worried that I am not really forgiving. Can you help me with some insights here?
We often find that as people forgive there is anger left over. As you point out, that anger is diminished; it does not control you. Please keep in mind that having some residual anger is normal and so you can have confidence that you, indeed, are forgiving when you are wishing the other person well and you can do so with much less anger than before.
Standing Up for Justice
Some have said that forgiveness can make a person weak, reduce the resolve to fight for what is right. Yet, it seems to me that the opposite is true. We become better at discerning what is right and wrong in our world when we forgive because forgiveness occurs precisely in that time in which we have been wronged and now we are injured. The more that we struggle with our injuries from injustice, then the better we understand what injustice is, which can strengthen our insights into justice itself.
As we then understand the serious consequences of injustice, this may strengthen our resolve to fight for justice in a challenging world. After all, as we see the injuries that the self and others can suffer from others’ wrongdoing, then we may be motivated to lessen those injuries by trying to lessen the injustices. We then become fighters for justice.
The mistake is when we think in “either-or” terms: Either we forgive or we seek justice, but we must not do both. This is faulty reasoning. What other virtues must occur strictly in isolation from the other virtues? If I am patient, must I refrain from kindness? If I am courageous, must I throw wisdom out the window? No. The virtues are meant to complement one another: Forgiveness and justice; forgiveness and courage; forgiveness and the wisdom to know when to start forgiving. Together, these virtues help us to avoid extremes such as forgiving and then putting up with nonsense and doing so repeatedly.
Forgive and stand up for justice.
Robert
I am in the process of forgiving someone. I do not think that I am suppressing, displacing, or denying my anger. I have uncovered that anger and I have a lot of it. I am not a fan of journaling and so that is not effective for me in reducing the anger. How do I now start to diminish this anger that is so uncomfortable for me?
It seems that you are ready to enter the forgiveness process which itself can help you reduce anger. A first step often is this: Are you ready to commit to doing no harm to the one who has hurt you? Notice that I am not asking for something positive here, such as compassion or kindness or love. I am asking if you are ready to refrain from something negative—-not doing harm to the other by, for example, speaking disrespectfully about him or her to others. Committing to doing no harm may be the beginning of anger reduction for you. As you go more deeply into the forgiveness process, the anger can diminish more.
What is a good way of achieving balance when teaching children about forgiveness so that they are not taken advantage of in the future?
A key here is to include discussions of the virtue of justice along with the virtue of forgiveness. When a child forgives, he or she needs to be aware of fairness and if the other is not acting fairly, then the one who forgives needs to seek help from an adult authority to help solve the issue of injustice coming from the other child.
Looking at forgiveness from the other side, how do I know when I truly have been forgiven?
I would ask you these questions: Is the one who forgives showing you respect as a person? Is the person bringing up the incident and dominating you or are you both now on the same level in terms of your humanity? Does the other show an interest in reconciling with you and, if so, do you think that he or she is trusting you now in most areas of life? Positive answers to these questions are good indicators that the other has forgiven you.
