Author Archive: directorifi
How long does it take before I can expect some emotional relief in the forgiveness process?
This will depend on how recently you were hurt, how deeply you were hurt, who hurt you, and your experience with the forgiveness process. Our research shows that if you can work on forgiving for about 12 weeks for serious offenses against you, then relief from excessive anger and anxiety can begin to occur. As a perspective on time, Dr. Suzanne Freedman and I did a study of incest survivors and it took about 14 months for the women to experience emotional relief. Although this may seem like a long time, please keep in mind that some of the women were struggling with anxiety and depression for years before they started to forgive.
Whenever I try to reconcile with my partner, I am reminded of the mean things that he did. It kind of sets back the reconciliation process. What do you recommend?
This is not uncommon. When the old feelings emerge as you try to reconcile, I recommend that you once again start the forgiveness process with this person and with a focus on the particular hurtful event. The more you go back to forgiving, the deeper the forgiveness tends to develop in you.
Does reconciliation require trust?
Reconciliation does require trust. If the other person has remorse (an inner sorrow for what he or she did), shows repentance (uses language to express that inner sorrow), and tries for recompense as best as he or she can under the circumstances, then trust can begin to build in you.
Can I forgive without trusting a person?
Yes, you can forgive without trusting a person. Oftentimes, we forgive people, but then do not trust them in certain areas where they have weaknesses. A compulsive gambler can be forgiven and yet you watch your wallet, as an example. It also can be the case in which you forgive a person whose character is weakened to such a degree that you cannot trust him or her in many areas. In such a case, you might forgive, but then not reconcile if he or she refuses to change and is a danger to you.
Is it even possible to forgive without reconciling? It seems to me that the resentment or at least some anger will always be present if there is not true reconciliation.
Yes, it is possible to forgive even if reconciliation is not possible. You can see the person as possessing inherent worth. You can feel some compassion for the person as a person, even in his or her weaknesses. Even if you have some anger left over, this does not mean you are unforgiving. People can forgive, reduce resentment, and still have some anger. As long as that anger is not dominating you and you are in control of that anger, you can be forgiving.
