Author Archive: directorifi
How would you recommend that I talk with a friend who is constantly angry and is obviously (at least to me) not doing so well. He has been living with his anger so long that it has become a part of his lifestyle. He says he has no problems at all. Thus, he is not open to change. He doesn’t even see the problems it is creating.
Although you do not give specifics about the “problems” created either within the person or relationally, it does seem, based on your observations and concerns, that something indeed is bothering the person. If it were me, I would gently—-gently—-approach the person with your observations. As an example, you might consider saying something like this: “I am concerned about you as a person. May I give you some feedback in the spirit of helping you? You keep saying that you are doing fine and that your anger is not getting in the way (personally or relationally). Please do not misunderstand me. You are a friend and I like you very much. Because of that, here is what I see as getting in the way for you: (you can then list a few—not all—of the issues and see how he reacts).” If he begins to see some of these issues, then you have come a long way to helping him. Thank you for your courage to try. Perhaps you will succeed.
On the Accumulation of Wounds
Has the struggle with the injustice made you tired? Let us say that you have 10 points of energy to get through each day. How many of those points of energy do you use fighting (even subconsciously) the injustice as an internal struggle? Even if you are giving 1 or 2 points of your energy each day to this, it is too much and could be considered another wound for you.
When you consider the person and the situation now under consideration, do you see any changes in your life that were either a direct or indirect consequence of the person’s injustice? In what way did your life change that led to greater struggle for you? On our 0-to-10 scale, how great a change was there in your life as a result of the injustice? Let a 0 stand for no change whatsoever, a 5 stand for moderate change in your life, and a 10 stand for dramatic change in your life. Your answer will help you determine whether this is another wound for you. As you can see, the wounds from the original injustice have a way of accumulating and adding to your suffering.
Excerpt from the book The Forgiving Life (APA Lifetools), Robert D. Enright (2012-07-05). (Kindle Locations 2750-2753). American Psychological Association. Kindle Edition.
Enright, Robert D. (2012-07-05). The Forgiving Life (APA Lifetools) (Kindle Locations 2784-2788). American Psychological Association. Kindle Edition.
Can being angry have positive consequences?
Yes, if the anger is short-lived and is a call to action to right a wrong. My worry, as spelled out in the book, Forgiveness Therapy, with Dr. Fitzgibbons, is anger that becomes prolonged (months or years) and intense. This can lead to a host of psychological compromises. We need to make the distinction between healthy and unhealthy anger.
I have a friend who has been deeply hurt in a family situation. She keeps telling me that she can lead a perfectly healthy and happy life even if she puts forgiveness aside. Is she correct?
She is correct if she truly can live a healthy and happy life without forgiving in the face of grave injustices. A problem with ascertaining a healthy life is this: Ill health does not necessarily come on quickly. Instead, in many cases, resentment can chip away at health such as poor eating habits that eventually take their toll on the body, or reduced energy that eventually leads to being out of shape physically. Thus, people saying that they are healthy without forgiving is not so easy to discern. With regard to happiness, she will see as she continues in life whether or not she has joy. If she does, and finds this without forgiving, then she is correct. If, on the other hand, she concludes that she is not joyous, then perhaps it is time to at least consider forgiving as an option.
Can you help me understand how to release a relationship as part of the forgiveness process? Choosing to erect an emotional boundary feels like a form of punishment, but there is logic in it too if the offender hasn’t taken responsibility for the hurt and is likely to offend again. When is releasing a relationship the best option, and how do you do it lovingly? Thank you.
The key here is to distinguish forgiving and reconciling. If the other refuses to change and is hurtful, then it may not be wise to continue a relationship. At the same time, you can see the person’s inherent worth and forgive. Sometimes, even when we offer our best to another, the person rejects our love. We still can forgive and then go in peace.
