Author Archive: directorifi
I do not have a lot of built-up anger toward someone who hurt me. Perhaps I am suppressing that anger, but I do not think so. My question: Do I even need to forgive this person if I am not angry?
Forgiveness is a moral virtue and so if you have been wronged, it is good to forgive if you are ready to do so. From a psychological perspective, it is more imperative to consider forgiving if you are experiencing unhealthy anger (sleep disturbances, irritability in general, general unhappiness). Forgiveness, in other words, can reduce these symptoms that can compromise your health.
What is the appeal to the emotion of anger that it can become like an addiction? Can passive or suppressed anger become an addiction, too?
Anger can serve in the short run as a protection. One is on guard against others’ injustices. One is ready to defend oneself and loved ones from others’ harm. Yet, if one is constantly vigilant against threat or perceived threat over a long period of time, then this can be exhausting. Also, the anger can grow in intensity and expression. A key is to be aware of this so that the anger does not take up residence inside of the one treated unfairly.
Yes, even anger that is not conscious can be addictive. The person may be rewarded internally for the flow of adrenaline that makes the person feel strong and ready. The adrenaline flow itself can become addictive so that the person thinks certain thoughts, keeps the muscles tight, and the emotions always ready. The person’s unconscious anger can be uncovered by focusing on the symptoms of that anger (thoughts, muscle tightness, and so forth).
If I “accept the pain” in forgiving, as you say, can I always handle this by myself or might I need help from others some of the time?
Let us take a physical analogy. Suppose you hurt your knee while running. You probably know when that pain is so strong as to require medical intervention and when it is not. It is the same with emotional pain. If it is strong and on-going, then it is good to seek help from others, perhaps a family member or friend if the pain is not very severe. If it is very severe, it is best to seek professional help, especially from someone who understands forgiveness and knows the forgiveness process.
Checking in Regarding Your Unfolding Love Story
At the beginning of this year, we posted a reflection here in which we encouraged you to grow in love as your legacy of 2017.
One way to start is by looking backward at one incident of 2017 so far.
Please think of one incident with one person in which you were loved unconditionally, perhaps even surprised by a partner or a parent or a caring colleague.
Think of your reaction when you felt love coming from the other and you felt love in your heart and the other saw it in your eyes. What was said? How were you affirmed for whom you are, not necessarily for something you did? What was the other’s heart like, and yours?
Can you list some specific, concrete ways in which you have chosen love over indifference? Love over annoyance? If so, what are those specifics and how are they loving? We ask because 2017 is about 25% over. Have you engaged in 25% of all the loving responses that you will leave in this world this year?
This exercise is meant to show you this: You know love. Now the key is to persevere and deliberately strive to love on a daily basis.
Tempus fugit. If you have not yet deliberately left love in the world this year, there is time…..and the clock is ticking.
